I had a bad night, mixture of my children being up a lot and a nightmare. I always struggle when the boys are awake a lot, the disruption it has, not so much to my sleep, but more because it makes me jump and then I’m in and out of fitful sleep- hyper vigilance while I sleep I guess. This morning, I am hyper vigilant, I am shaky and on edge. The new neighbours smoking in their garden has not helped with that at all. I walked upstairs earlier to be hit by the smell coming through our windows.
I’m also annoyed with myself. I’m annoyed that my husband had to take the big boy to school. I had been proud of myself for managing to do that each day recently. I know I shouldn’t be annoyed, because I’ve done really well taking him to school each day, it’s something I couldn’t do at all before the school holidays. One bad morning does not detract from all the good mornings.
I wanted to take my child to school, I was pushing through the hyper vigilance, ignoring the shaking, hiding the annoying, hot tears that kept forming in the corner of my eyes. I had everything done and ready to go. I needed to give in, recognise that the symptoms were bad and take care of myself. I didn’t want to though, I knew how much I’d beat myself up for it if I did.
This happens a lot. I feel stuck, not sure when it’s time to take a time out and let someone else take over. It’s symptoms versus feeling bad about myself. The sense of achievement I get when I push through symptoms and succeed is such a high. The way I feel about myself when I don’t manage to push through is a major low.
This morning my husband made the call. He took both boys with him for the school run, instructing me to eat as he left. He’s great. I forget to take care of myself when I feel this way, yet taking care of myself is the exit to feeling this way. If I eat well, drink lots of water, comfort myself (my clothes, soft items, heck even putting laundry on so the house smells good) it will pass faster than if I don’t. It sounds simple stuff, but without the reminder and even a push at times, I remain in a negative cycle. I am grateful to my husband for pulling me out of that cycle when I am not capable.
So now it’s almost 9, I’ve eaten, made lunch to take to work, I have laundry on so the house smells good, I’m surrounded by soft things.. pillows etc. I’m taking care of myself. The bad night and the resulting hyper vigilance has made for a bad morning, but I want to do what I can to minimise the effect on the rest of the day. I’m not sure what will happen now, if it will get worse or better or stay the same. I just know being angry with myself for it will not help. I want the day to improve, only I can take the steps to try to make that happen, while also being aware I cannot have full control, if it still doesn’t improve, then that is not my fault.