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A painfully great day

This morning  I decided today would be great. Was I setting myself up for a fall? Perhaps. I plan way too much I know that, I also know how much I hate it when things don’t go to plan.

I was feeling good though and felt sure I could have a great day. Thursday was a good day, Friday was good at first, with a rough middle and a good end. Yesterday started off OK, but a combination of hyper vigilance and  a challenging trip to town (plus a huge disappointment that I’m not ready to go into right now) led to an afternoon of exhaustion and recovery. So things have been sort of mixed. I’m thrilled though, absolutely thrilled that even among all the symptoms, I’ve managed to feel alright for a large proportion of the day. Woop, Woop, YAY.

Anyway, back to today. Because of the good feelings the last few days, I was confident in saying that today would be great. Perhaps great was setting my sights too high, perhaps I should have chosen to use the term “good” or even “OK”.

In the end, today was not easy, but I’ve been reflecting on it this evening and wondering if great has to mean brilliant, or wonderful? I could be all negative and down about it not being great, or I can CHOOSE to find the positive and even the progress that I know is there.

I was incredibly emotional today, I felt sad. I needed the comfort of my husband and children, the familiarity of my home, the smell of my laundry drying, etc. I needed here and I needed now and all the comfort that “here and now” brings to me. I cried a teeny bit, I felt down, I felt sad, I felt pain and my heart ached, my throat felt raw, my chest heavy. Yet somehow it wasn’t terrible. And though I’d be far reaching to say I felt good, it wasn’t bad, it really wasn’t. In actual fact, it was freeing. Because today I felt what I needed to feel, I was sad and hurt and I have every right to be. I felt it, I didn’t deny or suppress it. I felt it. And that’s the key, the point, the greatness that was today. I felt, I FELT.

I’ve been numb for a long time, sadness about this isn’t something I do all that often. I feel anger, I feel guilt, I feel shame, I feel abandonment even at times, but I don’t feel sadness much, not about my past. Oh I feel sadness about “stuff” surrounding it sure, about day to day things, yup, I even cry at TV shows, but this, him, that .. nope. What I felt today was new. Don’t get me wrong, it was minor, a few tears, an overshadowing of sadness, no sob fest. There are still obstacles, a wall/ issues I guess, but ultimately, I did what I needed to do, I did feel what I felt. I took that step and I let some of it out and that is great!

So maybe today didn’t go as planned, maybe I didn’t feel great in the sense I thought I would but I felt something I really needed to feel today, I took another step forward and that is great.

(hugs and hand holding wouldn’t go amiss though, great or not, it hurts!)

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