Home » Therapy » Horrible week

Horrible week

Wow, what a horrible week. I keep waiting for it to get better. Last therapy session was so very hard, my T was great as always, but it was really scary. I feel beaten up, I feel bruised inside and out. I don’t want to write about the session or how I feel, I feel too much. I don’t like the way I feel, I don’t want to address it, I don’t want to feel it, nor do I want it to go, because it feels deserved some how.

Some of the added stress this week (that I won’t got into) is probably my fault, I am not doing myself any favours. Last night I was awake in the night, I felt so overwhelmed and stressed, as usual, I struggled to get my thoughts to settle. I could see flashes of light, over and over and hear voices, my mind felt crowded and chaotic. I recognise that I am extremely stressed but I can’t seem to help myself out of it.  

My lovely husband has insisted I sit and relax this evening. I am trying to do as he has said while he’s busy doing everything that needs doing. I can’t concentrate on TV, reading has been out for months now (PTSD affects my ability to concentrate, reading particularly, I struggle with very short term memory loss when reading), I have a few other things I could try, but it seems too much effort. So I find myself on here, blogging, I am not even sure why. Is this helping? The poetry stuff helps for sure, but do the general moans/ updates? Perhaps. I think it helps to know people are reading. It helps to still log how I feel when I just cannot face using my journals and the thoughts that come out in those. 

I feel crappy, I’m fed up, agitated and full of self blame and guilt and I’ve had enough. But what choice is there, what is the alternative? I guess when things are this bad, the only way is up, right?

 

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3 thoughts on “Horrible week

  1. Feel no blame or guilt, there is only one person to blame in this. Be proud of yourself too. You have come so far. You have 141 followers and from your eloquent way of writing you are helping others, who are not able to write down their feelings. Yes, “the only way is up” xx

  2. I feel ur crap at present. ..I know im going in circle s for over a month and lifes daily stuff doesn’t help either. .
    But bogging and knowing we we support one another helps me …
    Here’s hoping it settle s soon
    Love lis

    • Thank you. I hope things improve for you too soon. I hate this time of year, so many anniversaries.. yet I love the holidays and the weather. It’s like the 2 sides of me (the fake one I lived for years) and the real me, are fighting right now.

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