Home » Therapy » Trying to no avail

Trying to no avail

 

Yesterday, to try and reduce my stress, or at least to not add to the existing stress, I tried out a new after school routine,. It seemed to go well, my children certainly responded well and seemed happier for it. I had more energy and felt better for doing more with my children, I’ve missed them lately. Unfortunately, I suffered for it last night, it was a bad evening. I was exhausted and symptoms were heightened. It was if instead of the new routine relieving me of stress, it just delayed it. I actually felt worse in the end.

So now what? Perhaps there’s a middle ground somewhere? If not, well at least I was a better mother for my boys while they were awake. The feeling terrible is not ideal and not something I want, but I’m willing to go through it, if my time with my children and my parenting is improved by delaying the inevitable stress. I am probably getting ahead of myself, no two days are the same and I certainly will explore other avenues rather than merely accepting that I have to feel terrible.

I was discussing it with my husband earlier and he suggested perhaps I am trying too hard to make things better and I should accept that things are crappy right now. I’m not likely going to feel good and enjoy things while I’m in the midst of therapy. I see his point, I know I put way too much pressure on myself  and I also know realistically, I cannot just make this go by changing my attitude and my daily routine. But, I want to try to make it better for myself, I don’t want to give up and just embrace feeling terrible. I know I feel bad, I know I am in pain (and need to be in pain), but I need to do everything possible to make it easier for myself. I’m not sure I am doing that though? In trying to improve things I seem to be adding stress.

 

Today I had an unexpected day off work (childcare issues) and so it was just me and my youngest at home all day. I was grateful, I felt so terrible this morning, I really didn’t want to go to work anyway. We had a low key day, stomping in the leaves and generally spending some quality time together. I didn’t think I had done too much, but maybe I have because I feel horrible right now. Reflecting on the day, spending time with my boy, having time to ground and to have a clean and tidy (important to me) home, with a casserole cooking by 2pm, should have been a good day for me. It certainly would have made me feel happy 2 years ago. I don’t feel good or happy, I don’t feel like I’ve achieved, I just feel like a wreck.

I don’t want to be someone who complains all the time, or finds the negative in every situation, but I feel what I feel. I am trying so hard to make the best of this situation yet I feel like I’m going crazy. My chest is ready to explode and the symptoms are hitting me hard, one after another. I don’t know what else to do other than keep trying, if I stop trying then that feels like giving up. Giving up is a very dark road to go down. I’m afraid of stopping, I’m afraid what that may mean, but I’m a mess. I can’t keep this up. I don’t know what to do. I wish this was over, I can barely stand this.

 

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3 thoughts on “Trying to no avail

  1. Keep at it, even though you feel defeat, you are actually making strides. Love is action, and you decided to love your children this day. That’s a definite win on my book! Keep up the good work, whether it is good by your standards or not, good work is not giving up, just what your doing!! God Bless you sweetheart, you are in my prayers~

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