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Home.

 

The last month or so has been pretty difficult. With an upcoming anniversary (that I cannot seem to distract from) this difficult time doesn’t feel over yet, but the last few days have been a little better.

Yesterday’s day of grounding worked well, I managed to sleep well last night. Unfortunately a work situation today had me struggling with hyper vigilance. I found myself wondering why the heck I inflict myself on the world and equally why I put myself through it, when I feel like such a mess inside.

This afternoon has been better though and as I’ve done a heck of a lot of venting on here lately, I wanted to be sure I include the good as well as the bad.

 

So, this afternoon I was with my children in our small town doing a little shopping. I had parked in a part of town that is crowded during school pick up but very quiet at most other times. By the time we returned to the car, the school traffic had left and it was just my car parked in this place. I put the boys in the car, then as I was putting the shopping and pushchair into the boot of the car, it dawned on me how quiet and even secluded the area was.

And I searched for the panic within me. I waited for the dissociation. I expected the fear. But you know what? It didn’t happen! And I realised that amazingly, I actually felt relaxed and even safe- WOW!

I do feel safe where I live and that is clear to me now. Sure, there are plenty of times I feel afraid while at home or out in town, but it’s about past issues, or the PTSD, not about where I live.  And it’s good to know the difference between fear of the past and how I feel now.

Before today, I don’t think I really realised how I felt about where we lived. We are about to buy a house in this town and now I feel confident in our decision. This town is home for me now.

It feels good to have a home where not only am I safe, but I feel safe too. How awesome is that? :)

 

 

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5 thoughts on “Home.

  1. I nominated you for the Brave Heart Award. http://avictimsjournal.wordpress.com/2014/03/25/brave-heart-award/
    I call you a survivor, because that is what you are. There are days when you don’t feel like a survivor and there are days when the memories trigger your past and it feels like you are losing the fight – but you are not. Take the past and heal with it. You are strong. I want you to know that the abuse was not your fault. It does not matter what age it happened. You did not deserve it, you did not cause it, and you did not bring it on yourself. You own no shame, guilt, or remorse. In your life, you have faced many demons but look around you and you will see there is hope, and there is beauty. You are beautiful, You are loved, there is hope. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect. You deserve peace and joy in your life. Don’t settle for anything less than that. God has plans for you. Your future does not have to be dictated by your past.

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