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Chaos

Is it possible to feel happy and sad at the same time? Is it strange to feel good about life right now and also feel so terrible too?

My heart is heavy, I am in pain, I think. I am not unhappy though, how is that possible? I can barely breathe, the depths of despair, fear and shame I seem to be connecting to, feel like they are suffocating me. And feeling alone and rejected, abandoned are so very BIG right now. Yet, I remain calm and in control and even at times positive.

I have spent much of the day at home, outside, planting new plants- I like the colour and I like to make things come to life and maintain that life for as long as I am able. I was grounded as I did it, I felt OK and at times more than OK.

Except there is this constant dull ache and now and then this searing, burning pain within my chest hitting me in waves. A pain I cannot ignore, that when it hits, it almost knocks me off my feet. It’s out. Not just a secret this time, but  feelings. At times, it feels like too much is out. Too much to think about, too much to sift through, to sort and to process. Too much to feel, too much to stay in control of.

 

I told my T a lot yesterday and while I have no regrets, it brings up more stuff to discuss, more issues, more questions. Do I side step to these issues, do I continue where we are?

It all feels chaotic, I wish I had more plants to plant- it soothed me somehow, blocked out the chaos in my head.

I think I am a little triggered this evening, my journal writing was pushing me towards flashbacks. That frustrates me so much, I need to put some order in my thoughts. It all feels so disjointed, disorganised- just chaos.

Am I even making any sense? Dissociation, I think – my head is starting to ache.

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6 thoughts on “Chaos

  1. Sending you hugs, I know the chaos all too well. Its an awful place to be in. I suggest telling your t how you feel next time around. Maybe he can offer some suggestions. XX

  2. Yes, you are making sense. I don’t know who defines “normality” so I can’t answer if it’s normal but I can relate to your words, your feelings, the things you are describing. I too love to garden because I feel like I find peace in it. There’s something comforting and therapeutic about digging in the soil, creating a nurturing environment, planting something, and caring for it. The colors in the flowers brings cheer everyday and the growth of fruits or vegetables brings a sense of satisfaction that I was able to bring forth good fruit from my life..maybe it’s not entirely the same for you but I can relate none the less :) keep digging, keep soothing..stay grounded..this too shall pass and a brighter day will come 💕 much love to you friend

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