Is it possible to feel happy and sad at the same time? Is it strange to feel good about life right now and also feel so terrible too?
My heart is heavy, I am in pain, I think. I am not unhappy though, how is that possible? I can barely breathe, the depths of despair, fear and shame I seem to be connecting to, feel like they are suffocating me. And feeling alone and rejected, abandoned are so very BIG right now. Yet, I remain calm and in control and even at times positive.
I have spent much of the day at home, outside, planting new plants- I like the colour and I like to make things come to life and maintain that life for as long as I am able. I was grounded as I did it, I felt OK and at times more than OK.
Except there is this constant dull ache and now and then this searing, burning pain within my chest hitting me in waves. A pain I cannot ignore, that when it hits, it almost knocks me off my feet. It’s out. Not just a secret this time, but feelings. At times, it feels like too much is out. Too much to think about, too much to sift through, to sort and to process. Too much to feel, too much to stay in control of.
I told my T a lot yesterday and while I have no regrets, it brings up more stuff to discuss, more issues, more questions. Do I side step to these issues, do I continue where we are?
It all feels chaotic, I wish I had more plants to plant- it soothed me somehow, blocked out the chaos in my head.
I think I am a little triggered this evening, my journal writing was pushing me towards flashbacks. That frustrates me so much, I need to put some order in my thoughts. It all feels so disjointed, disorganised- just chaos.
Am I even making any sense? Dissociation, I think – my head is starting to ache.