Home » My Journey » Stuck in the past

Stuck in the past

 

This has been a hellish few days. I wish it were over, but the PTSD symptoms remain..

I don’t want this- back to struggling so much through each day. I don’t want to fight through symptoms again.

 

Yesterday was pretty bad, until my husband stepped in and reminded me of those things I need to do to get through. Those things that can be so simple, yet get forgotten in the midst of symptoms. Routine, eating well, staying hydrated, exercise, low level constant noise, low light etc. etc.

Yesterday afternoon, we decided on some changes to our routine, to makes things easier particularly during the harder times. Just by working on something positive in order to improve things was enough to lift my mood and halt the symptoms for a couple of hours.

Today, is shitty again though and I don’t have the energy to focus on anything positive. Sometimes I get so sick of trying to find the positive in such an awful situation.

I am an emotional wreck inside and desperately trying to keep a lid on that to the outside world. I had a flashback at work earlier and I reacted by being social and chatty… wtf?

 

*Trigger warning*

It happened while I was on the phone, I was just finishing the call, when I was hit by an overpowering smell. His smell. Then I felt his fingers in my mouth, I could taste him.

I thought I was going to vomit right there and then at my desk.

Several hours later and I am home, still feeling sick. Still able to taste him. Thankfully that smell has gone- something at least.

I am dissociating a lot and the body memories started a short while ago. My mouth aches.

 

Flashbacks and nightmares have been plaguing me for the last week. I know to work on grounding, I know to distract. They aren’t improving though. I want to talk about those memories, I just don’t know that I should right now. It has to be controlled, it has to be while I am grounded. I am not in control or grounded right now. My head is in the past.

I suppose it’s understandable, the recent news stuff stirred up a great deal, not just reminders of the abuse, but the way I was treated. I feel violated again, because I’m feeling what I did back then. It makes sense that I would be remembering those violations right now.

I wish this would end, I feel overwhelmed with the memories and this feeling of being violated again, especially because that comes with the shame and feeling dirty and used. If you have been raped, you will know how horrible that is. The wanting to scrub away your own skin..It feels like it just happened yesterday.

How do I make it stop? The grounding isn’t working. I feel like my insides are burning. I can’t do this.

I don’t know what to do. What do I do? Friday seems so far away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

9 thoughts on “Stuck in the past

    • Thank you so much. It really helped to get it out. I feel a little better this evening. My children are fed and clean and in bed. I intend to relax and ground as much as possible.

      I have been doing soo much better, I was having whole weeks where I didn’t have PTSD symptoms. I am focusing on that, I’ve got there before, I will again.
      This is a set back- or even a necessary side step to deal with what the abuse cases in the news have brought up.

      Thank you for commenting and for thinking of me. x

  1. I hate to hit the “like” button – because it’s not about actually enjoying the post – but rather a sign of encourage to you – that you are not suffering alone.

    Triggers and flashbacks, especially when falling from the sky, especially scent are tremendously difficult to deal with.

    It sounds like you have the beginnings of a very strong coping mechanism in place —- and I don’t know if this might help – but, are you generally triggered by scents – and I mean really positive ones? Like, oh, the cliché “smell of freshly baked bread?” If so, then perhaps try to recall this type of scent. Is there some particular musical piece that really lightens your spirit – then maybe, if possible, in the moment, listen to this, to help you re-ground yourself.

    I know these may sound like trivial things, but sometimes the smallest and most insignificant things will help you remember much better things – and help ground you back to the present.

    I do hope you feel better in each moment, that routines help. And yes, writing about it – is a form of letting it go. You shouldn’t be afraid to self-censor yourself – this is about your healing journey; and there are those of us, who are hear to listen.

    • Thanks so much for your comment. My sense of smell is very strong, I am not surprised it is my biggest trigger! I tend to use highly scented laundry detergent/ softener. Scented candles, perfume etc. So when triggered by a smell from back then, I have something I can sniff. The triggers aren’t what they were. I am doing so much better, the PTSD has been calm for some time now. It’s just recent news reports plunged me right back into it. I am feeling much better today- right in time for therapy tomorrow!

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