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The Morning After

I find Saturday mornings difficult most weeks. I often feel pretty terrible. I see my T on a Friday afternoon, so I guess it’s to be expected that I will feel so bad the morning after.

It isn’t always this way, sometimes we have a really positive session and I feel on a high for a few days after. Right now though, we are doing a lot of trauma work and that is so grueling. After a session of trauma work, I often feel exhausted physically and emotionally drained. Some weeks it’s an effort just to walk back to the car.

I am finding  what we are dealing with extremely difficult, probably more so than I have done previously (which has surprised me, but that is perhaps for another post).  We are going very slowly, cautiously dealing with these things because as  much as I want it all out and over with, I have to function between sessions. I have children, a job, a house, a husband.. I can’t be a wreck all week, every week.  So slowly it is.

Saturday’s though, remain difficult. I hate it, I hate feeling the way I do right now. I hate feeling so out of control. I’m hitting one emotion, then jumping straight to another.

It begins as anger, sitting on my chest, it feels like it is restricting my lungs. It rises inside me, moving it’s way up into my windpipe. I can barely breathe as it catches in my throat. Just as I feel it is about to set itself free, it is gone…as quickly as it came.

Then, the tears begin to form, threatening to spill over, I will myself to let go. I want to be held, but cannot bear to be touched. I don’t want to be alone, yet I wish everyone would go away, because it’s so very loud inside my head, it’s chaotic and feels all consuming. The external noises, even the sound of my children playing, are sometimes just too much.  The noise feels like vibrations, so loud I feel as if it’s piercing right through me….. then once again the rage forms, once again it beings its ascent inside me.

And this is how it goes for me most Saturday mornings, I bounce back and forth between emotions, it’s conflicting and tiring. I feel discouraged and I find myself questioning why I put myself through it. It’s on mornings like these that I wonder if it’s worth it.

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