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Me Versus Me

(To remain anonymous I have used a fake name)

I am neither, but I am both. I am one, yet also another.

Becca became dominant during the abuse, she protected me. With her began the pretense that dominated my life for the next 14(ish) years. She told me I was fine, she told others, I was fine, she protected me from the ugly truth. She was necessary, she was needed. I would not have survived without her.

She would not allow me to feel, or remember the abuse in my every day life. She stomped on any of the bad feelings, told them to be gone, she was in control in almost all areas of my life. I loved her, I loved that she had taken over, she got me through and she was the person I wanted to be.

The problem is, there was another me, Rebecca, the me who had been abused, the me who was present during it, the me who remembered, the me who was desperate to be heard. Becca and Rebecca argued a lot, Becca called Rebecca a liar, told her she was exaggerating what had happened, she called her an attention seeker, she told her she should be ashamed and embarrassed, she silenced her whenever she could.

Rebecca was still there though, she remained in the background, displaying signs of PTSD (more on that later). Becca didn’t like that at all, all aspects of Becca- her social, organised character, her need for noise, and if that didn’t work (particularly in the teen years) her use of drink and drugs-were there to drown out Rebecca.

Rebecca had time at the fore, she was the one who spent many nights awake, talking online to the man, who would become our best friend. Though the husband caught many glimpses, our “besty” was the only one who truly saw Rebecca. In those long chats, she told the truth of what was done to us, what we endured. In those times, she could be free.

A year ago– and I don’t even know why, it finally seemed the right time for Rebecca to be heard. I began therapy, my T was aware right away of the presence of both Rebecca and Becca. I explained the pretense Becca had formed, we confronted that, we tore down those walls she had created and slowly we finally gave Rebecca a voice.

At first my T saw only Becca, but as the trust deepened, Rebecca started to come forward more and more. Since then my T has suggested that both Rebecca and Becca are me aged 14. He has said, he’s noted that Rebecca and Becca have slowly started to integrate. Their memories of the past  are no longer so separate. He has explained that neither is false, both are me, both sets of memories are true, just from a different perspective. Slowly, I’ve started to see the real me, the grown woman me, emerging from the two. I still feel Rebecca and Becca. I feel Becca still trying to protect me, it’s so natural for me to allow her in, that sometimes I have to argue with her to get her to allow me to feel. Rebecca, I’ve grown to love and I’m starting to accept her for the hurt and broken child she is, I strive to allow both to truly be part of me, while also not allowing them to completely dominant my life now.

I am neither, but I am both. I am one, yet also another.

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8 thoughts on “Me Versus Me

  1. This is an excellent description of what it’s like – part of the coping mechanism for dealing with trauma/abuse. You’ve done well in being able to put it into words.

    And good for your T – he affirmed that both are valid, both are true and both are YOU. That’s awesome. I am so glad you’ve accepted both Becca and Rebecca. 🙂

    Good for you for being willing to face this and walk through it. I am so proud of you. It is hard work, I know. It’s been a year since you started your journey (according to your other page). What changes have you noticed compared to this time last year?

    • Thank you so much for your reply. I’ve noticed lots of changes aside from the start of the merging of “Rebecca and Becca”. I’ve been able to tell people, rather than hide who I am. I feel stronger, I feel like I’m finally living the truth, I know who I am and who I strive to be. Most importantly though, even though at times I feel so terrible, I know and feel the healing is taking place.

    • My Therapist talks of “owning” all the time. I think ownership of what’s going on inside is a huge part of healing. It’s acceptance.

      Thanks so much for the like and the lovely comment, I really appreciate it.

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