I really should be sleeping, but I have a lot on my mind, but I’m not even sure what. Sometimes I think so hard, I can barely remember the beginning of a thought as I reach the end. I get tongue tied, I forget what I’m saying, I forget what I’m asked. My thoughts are crowded by bad memories, ones I’m desperately trying to shut out. Yet, though I try to shut them out, I also yearn to talk, to talk about what was and to talk about how I feel and felt.
Grounding is part of my life, it is something I can do automatically, I feel something that makes me afraid I may be remembering something painful and I start to ground. It’s a good thing in some ways, I don’t want to be haunted by the past all day long, but sometimes it kicks in when I’d rather it didn’t. Sometimes I ground from bad memories, but in doing so it blocks my feelings. I hate feeling numb and detached, just so I can remain in control.
Today, was bad at least half of it, yesterday the same. I know in there I have some fears that need exploring as a result of my therapy session Friday, but I have been preoccupied with grounding, I’ve been hyper vigilant and triggered. Grounding myself helps, but it pushes away those fears I know are there. They need to be explored. I know there’s time for that and I know my T would say, get in control first, contain and separate those memories we do not need to be concerned with right now. I can hear him gently saying”just take your time”
I’m trying! I’m so impatient, frustrated, I want to feel what I feel, I want to think and talk and write about those feelings. The PTSD stuff is getting in my way and it makes me angry and upset with myself, which just fuels it further.