My head feels like it’s going to explode, my chest feels like it may burst. I am so tense, my abdominal muscles are aching. I feel pressure on the front of my head, a fog inside clogging up my thoughts. I am clearly avoiding. I keep trying to write about what it is, but every time I get somewhere, I feel those walls go up, because I don’t like what it is that is bothering me. I cannot understand these feelings, nor do I want them. They need to go away because they are incomprehensible. They make me feel sick and twisted, it just feels wrong.
I need to see my T. Friday cannot come quick enough, but even then how can I share it all? It’s not a memory, it’s feelings I’ve had since our last session. I made progress and left on a high, but I crashed just two days later. It’s the why though, the why I had those feelings and the many fears it’s created.
I came across an article today on another blog and it has helped a little in terms of making me feel a little less like a freak. It has explained some of the things I am so confused about right now. It doesn’t help with the fears at all and it only partially relates to the issue I am struggling with, but it is helping with the why at least. I am not trying to cryptic, I can’t explain any more, it’s too raw and I am still trying to make sense of it myself. Hopefully my T will be able to help some.
Anyway, this is the article:
Victims and Survivors of Psychopaths Traumatic Bonding which I found here:
Trauma Bonding, Children Can Be in Love with their Rapist (a blog I follow).
This was a huge WOW for me. I was nodding throughout. It certainly explains some of the whys to me and may help others understand how this could have happened. In particular for those who knew me, this could help explain why I didn’t do something to get out of it and how it could have gone on for so long without me telling. It is not an exact fit, I suspect it would be aimed at survivors of incest. But it’s close.. a little too close. “Sigh” :(.
Imbalance of power: Yup
Sporadic in Nature: There were certainly good times, present buying, kind words blah blah.
Denial: Oh yeah that’s me all over, then and for the years after, complete with the dissociation, distancing myself and normalising what was happening. I even felt bad for the guy. I believed his pain to be greater mine, his worth much more than my own. Crazy.
Masking it happening: Yeah, pretending, even whilst knowing the truth, a complete inability to ask for help, feeling numb and detached- which also helps with the why would I use so many inappropriate coping methods, SI for example (the answer in order to feel something, in order to control what I felt and when I felt it- more on that later).
My T and I have talked at length about how I survived so well back then and for so long in the years after. We’ve talked about dissocation, denial, sympathising with the abuser, control, manipulation, feeling numb and detached etc. but we’ve done all that separately over time. So, it isn’t like this is new information, just the first time I’ve seen it altogether. It’s been a huge eye opener for me to see it presented in this way. It is horribly painful, but incredibly helpful.