It’s been a rough couple of weeks. Last week I was struggling with some feelings I couldn’t understand, I didn’t want them so I was probably avoiding them, which leads to a whole heap of anger, compulsions and then exhaustion. Also, due to an intense but successful therapy session the Friday before, I was left feeling triggered, even my husband was a trigger, it was the worst I’ve been in a while. My Therapy session last Friday really helped with both the feelings and the triggers.
The weekend was ok, I was really excited and proud of myself for surviving a weekend without my husband around. I expected it to be a good week, with the decent therapy session solving rather than raising new issues and the high from doing well alone with my children.
It certainly hasn’t been that way.
I’ve had a lot of dissociation and yesterday, one of the worst flashbacks I’ve had in a long time. I’m still struggling to ground 24hours later, it’s still there.
I’ve been really upset, because I should be feeling good, there is no reason for the dissociation and triggers, I don’t know why it’s been so bad.
I feel discouraged because if I can’t even be free of symptoms on the good weeks, then what the heck am I striving for? Why am I trying to get better if this is all I have to look forward to?
Why am I putting myself through the pain and exhaustion if even the good is ruined by the past?
I know, I know, it won’t always be this way, I am triggered and dissociating because of what I’m dealing with, because I’m no longer denying it, it’s so close to the surface blah blah blah. I know this, I do know it.
But I am still disheartened, still wondering why I bother…
I’m feeling pretty lousy, I hope seeing my T tomorrow will help.