It’s all been poetry on this blog lately, I find it helpful to express myself in that way. I’m not sure I’m any good at it, but it comes right from the heart. Sometimes when I am unable to write or talk about the experiences I had, the poetry provides a much needed outlet.
I am unable at the moment, to blog about “my story” as such, yet I’m at the point in my journey where I need to talk about it. I need to talk about what happened, how I dealt with it, my regrets, my guilt, my pain, my anger etc. It’s what I want to do and need to do, but I remain unable to do that here.
At one point, when I began my journey there was just one trusted individual, my best friend. Since then the “circle of trust” has slowly started to widen. Though there are quite a few others who are now aware of my past, those I trust with parts of my story are few, for now at least. Apart from my “besty”, there’s my T (of course), my husband, one of my brothers and my Minister. One day, I hope to be more open with all those in my life and even beyond, but for now I see this as good progress, this time last year only one person knew.
There are many worries about trusting someone new, what details to tell them and trying to work out if I’m sharing too much. I know these things are not easy to listen to, I worry endlessly about over sharing with those already in the “circle of trust” so the thought of widening to include others, is daunting.
I’m afraid of rejection, I fear hurting or triggering others, I am afraid of gossip and twisting of the truth. I fear I won’t be believed, I fear being called an attention seeker. I fear a lot of things.
My biggest fear can be debilitating. I am deeply afraid that some how it will get back to the person who caused all this. The town I am from isn’t all that big, people are connected, it may be unlikely, but I cannot risk him finding out anything about me. I do not want to be back on his radar. I must feel safe at all costs. The fear is so real and so great it makes me paranoid and obsessive, it makes me want to never utter a word to anyone ever again. Telling means fighting that feeling and it is not easy. The idea of expanding the circle to include more worry and fear, is not an attractive one.
So for now, my circle of trust remains small. I will work on pushing past the worries I have with those individuals I do trust. I want to be more comfortable (if that is the appropriate word) with talking about my past, I do not want it to control me. These are my experiences, my memories, mine. I want control back. Releasing the memories is helping with that. I hope to get a little braver and post here about it one day, but today is not that day.