Home » Poetry » Freedom from Shame?

Freedom from Shame?

I have therapy tomorrow, I hope to be able to tell my T what I could not last week, but that may be wishful thinking. I am aware the wall that I experienced last week is still there and I’m also aware it is there for a reason. It may be that I’m just not ready and I think that is ok. I don’t want to face anything I am not completely ready for, I have to be prepared, I have to be able to function afterwards. If I cannot get over this wall yet, then I suppose I need to trust myself that I am simply not ready yet. 

Perhaps I am rushing too fast, there’s lots to tell him even within this one part I was trying to disclose last week. I may need to slow down a little more and tackle one fragment of memory at a time. I’m keen to get it out, I want to feel some release, this shame is getting to me, it’s not a new feeling, but the basis of it is new. The way in which has me in it’s clutches is frightening for me. My self esteem has plummeted, I am struggling with feelings I thought I’d let go a long time ago. On the upside, even after a flashback earlier this week, the PTSD has been a little more manageable since Friday.

We will see what tomorrow brings. 

 

As she took a deep breath

waiting for the words to fall out

there was nothing to be heard

not even a whisper.

Her breathing hard

and then faster still

until she was dizzy

and could barely see.

 

Trapped inside her throat

the words caught there

the truth of what was,

the horror back then.

But the reality was so terrible

she just couldn’t explain,

she would not let the words out

perhaps for fear of his disdain

 

She didn’t realise it then,

but the shame is in the details,

the depravity of actions

and humiliation of pain.

The inability to escape,

and the resolve to always be

and in the endless depravity.

Stuck in a forever cycle

 

where wounds could not heal

and pain would not subside

and her voice was never heard

no matter how much she tried

And even now she’s silenced

still trapped behind a wall

and imprisoned by the shame

All these years on and it’s still the same.

 

But tomorrow brings new beginnings

renewed hope and second chances

A chance to find her voice

to confront the lies

he forced upon her,

to reveal the truth within her

the truth that will bring release,

and the freedom from her shame.

 

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4 thoughts on “Freedom from Shame?

  1. It is so hard to tell others what you’ve never been able to before. Whilst extremely stressful it can be liberating, once you’ve recovered from the initial shock. It may well knock you for six to begin with, but hopefully relief will follow shortly. You’re in my thoughts.

  2. If the Lord is allowing memories to be stirred, its because He intends to bring healing. When you are in the memory and all your emotions are stirred up, ask Jesus to speak into that scene. He may speak to you, or give you a mental picture, or something, but He has something deep He wants to do there.

    The beauty of letting Him minister to you in this deep wound is that in the future you’ll be able to recall the event, but without the wracking emotional pain you experience now.

    I’ve been through counseling for sexual abuse and rape myself, and Jesus has been faithful to bring *complete* healing…after all, to which of the people He healed did He merely make their pain more manageable? Luke 4:18,19. May THIS be the Year of the Lord’s favor for you!

    Put your faith in Jesus’ ability to heal. Humans can be a sounding board and offer suggestions to try, but they cannot bring the deep, lasting healing that Jesus desires for you. 🙂

    \o/

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