Do you ever wish that time would stand still, that the world would just stop?
I do often. I don’t mean I want my life to end, I very much want time to begin again, I just want some time out to work through all my past without it affecting my life now.
I have a new life waiting for me. I have a husband, two children, friends, family, a job, the potential to buy a house… but I feel like my life is on hold, until I get “better”.
Sometimes I feel so disconnected from those around me. I must seem so selfish, self involved, only bothered about myself. I’m not that person at all, not underneath all of this. But I can imagine it seems that way, because I am so consumed by my past and what I am facing now. Sometimes, I can feel like I can barely function, so how on earth can I take part in life with everyone else? I feel frozen in time, stuck between the past and the present.
I feel guilty for not engaging with my children enough, I already have regrets of things I have missed, particularly with my older child. I know I will never get these years back with my children. I want so much to be more involved, I want to enjoy them more than I feel able right now. I have neglected friendships, I have neglected my husband. This isn’t about beating myself up, I’m not about feeling sorry for myself, it’s just a wishful post. Wishing the world would stop just for a while, so I can feel it all, every bit of sadness, pain and anger without having to miss out on life going on around me. I’m not looking for a cheat, or a short cut through this, I am prepared to face every ounce of it all the way through, but I hate that it affects my life now.
This is necessary, I am 100% sure that I am doing the right thing, but I get so down sometimes , so tired of it all, so tired of having to face it, so tired of having to disclose such vile things in therapy, then to come home feeling like I’ve been hit by a bus.
Today is a sunny day, my boys have been in the garden playing with water, they were so happy, squealing with delight. I wanted to join in, but since I had therapy today, I am feeling fragile. My head was pounding and their noise was like a drill in my head, I was grumpy and snappy. I wanted them to hush, yet at the same time I wanted to somehow shake off these feelings, pull myself together and go have fun with my boys. I could not.
UGH. I probably shouldn’t be writing this right now, I’m supposed to be comforting myself and doing what I can to feel better.. (so that is what I am going to do right now, close my Netbook and watch some Big Bang Theory (have you ever seen that? It’s so funny) and eat Ice cream with sprinkles and Rolos on top.)
I wish and I dream that the world will stop, just for a little while, so I can face the past, without missing out on the present.
I want time to stand still, so when it starts again, I can feel the happiness I know that is waiting for me.