Well, I am supposed to be processing my therapy session I had last week. My boys are busy playing with their Aunt, but I’m struggling to relax enough. I managed to get started this morning in Church, but my time there was cut short by a screaming toddler who only wanted his Mummy.
The start is always the hardest part, but now I find myself procrastinating. The fact is I don’t want to process it at all. My therapy session was hell, I left with feelings of insecurity, to the point that I had to contact my T for some reassurance that what I shared with him, hadn’t driven him away. I shared some horrible things, awful, make my skin crawl, sickening, vile details. I hate it. I hate this, I hate having to disclose in such detail. But, there’s so many feelings stuck in the details. In previous experience bringing out what I went through, in the safety of my therapy sessions, helps me to feel those things and work through the many issues involved. I just hate it, feeling so vulnerable and exposed, having to say things out loud that I am deeply ashamed of. Yuck.
We are dealing with some of that shame right now, the details remain in the way of getting past those feelings. Improvements were made on Friday, I know something changed/ clicked/ felt different. We work with a lot of imagery in our sessions, I find it very useful, I describe in detail what I see and we observe how this changes along the way. The imagery on Friday changed, but right at the end of the session, so it’s not something I worked through with him. I think it could wait until our next session, but as that’s almost two weeks away, I’d like to do some myself. I’m aware that there’s been a change and I want to explore how I feel, yet when I sit down to try to do just that, I find my mind wandering and I find myself looking for something to distract me. I’ve started, but right now cannot continue. I’m afraid to go back there, I suppose. I can hear my T telling me to contain the details and deal with the feelings. What if I cannot do that? I don’t want to be back in those details, not alone.
Ugh, in general I feel like hell, we have more guests arriving today (one arrived last week), I have a week off work, the boys are at home, it’s all stuff that isn’t normal, it’s not part of routine and I’m finding it difficult. Even the weather is bothering me, we don’t get a whole lot of hot, sunny weather, but right now we are having a mini heatwave- even that change seems too much for me right now. I feel stressed out, I am fighting to stay in control, I keep dissociating, I’ve been shaky all morning and it won’t go away. I miss my husband, I don’t seem to have seen a whole lot of him the last few days, yet he’s been around lots. It’s strange how there have been so many people around me, yet I have felt kinda alone.
Grumpy, sad, afraid, I can almost hear the violins playing..