I am too tired to even write properly, no words are forming in my head, yet I feel like I need to get something out, but I am not even sure what that something is. I know I have processing to do, I know that I experienced some memories yesterday that I want to write about, yet I sit in front of my paper journal, or my online journal, or here and nothing. So no poetry today, just a moan..
We have my husbands family visiting, who we haven’t seen in a very long time, they are great, I love them a lot and I’m glad to see them.
It’s day four and I’m not doing so great. I go to bed each evening with hopes of feeling better when I wake, yet it seems each morning I feel worse. I am exhausted, nightmares are so frequent right now. I am stressed out, my chest aches, I feel like I can’t keep up with my own thoughts, they seem to be split in two and I don’t know which way to follow. I am dissociating lots and feel pressured to keep focused, particularly as I am driving often, I have to fight through it each morning before I drive. Yesterday I was having intrusive thoughts that I was struggling to contain, I think where we went yesterday was triggering for me, I didn’t realise until we were there and had been for a while.
Four more days (with two half days at work) and then they leave, I don’t want to wish for them to go at all 😦 I like them so much. Instead, I wish I didn’t feel this way.
So, I feel terrible, but still have the normal pressures of motherhood and the added pressure of interaction with and hosting our guests. I feel like crying, but smile at everyone instead.