I would say the block I was experiencing is over, I have written a lot tonight, in my online journal mostly. It feels good, it’s an outlet for me, I’ve felt so tense without it. A few general musings:
The letter I wrote to him (My Shame (addressed to him)) the other night was a really huge step for me. Addressing anything to him is new, directing any kind of feelings towards him is really, really scary. I held back in that post, I’m sort of dipping my toe into focusing my feelings on him, it’s a relief in some ways, but it’s also difficult. The letter was a release, it helped me see how I feel about my own shame and what I feel about him in relation to that but I was shaking so badly after, it was hard. This is all so terrifying, each step forward is so unknown and unknown is scary. Every Friday I see my T and each week I step into the unknown, I face my fears and shame, I feel pain and anger, I explore and process my feelings surrounding the worst experiences of my life. As much as I need therapy, as much as I rely on my T, this is so very hard. I have to go through this almost every single week.
Therapy doesn’t stop after my session, I have a lot of work to do after, firstly recovering, then processing what we have discussed, evaluating any progress, or picking up on any issues I need to work on and exploring how I feel. In the midst of all that I have PTSD symptoms, a part time job and I am a mum to two very young children. It’s difficult, it seems never ending. I just had a week off work, to spend time with family visiting and I’m exhausted, I crave normality again, which hopefully is returning somewhat now, but I have no break, no down time at all right now. I’ve said it over and over, but this is so so hard.
I’m doing well though, my progress is pretty good I think, I’m moving forwards and I see the light waiting for me. I see changes already, I feel movement in me, sometimes it feels physical, I feel- really truly feel, change happening within me.