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Afraid of myself?

I am a little afraid of how I feel right now, I hit depths of despair earlier today that I’ve not had in years, I had thoughts I didn’t want, fleeting, but very real. My head is in a mess, I am bouncing back and forth between symptoms, I can’t seem to think straight, I get half way through a thought and another interrupts. I am scared of myself a little bit and of how independent this feels from me. I know what I want, I know what I have, but there is such a pull back down a road I thought I’d left behind. I know I’m moving forward, I know I have a good life, but all the positives seem so far away. I feel I’m fighting a battle today and I’m afraid that right will lose. I feel like I’m screaming for help, but I don’t even know what for. I have help, I have support, I am safe and loved, I have everything and more than I could have ever hoped for. I don’t know what I want, what I’m hoping to achieve by moaning about how I feel. No one can do this for me, it has to be me. Right now I do not trust myself or my thoughts, there’s something inside telling me I’m a terrible person, that I deserved this, the shame I guess is taking over, the pain seems to be drowning me. I feel out of control and I’ve no clue what to do, except wait it out.

Maybe I just finally crashed today. Over a week of no routine, visitors in my house, having to suppress and push past my symptoms, feeling like I couldn’t be me and feeling I just couldn’t feel in general.. if that makes sense. Then the last few days I’ve been back at work, which has been crazy busy, Monday and Tuesday I came home to guests here, Wednesday, I came home to so much mess- I spent all afternoon cleaning.

I think I’m exhausted, I am stressed out, I need a break. I just don’t know when I’ll get one. I have work everyday, my boys to entertain when I get home, therapy each Friday, with the usual weekend of feeling terrible, then processing. My husband is talking about when he’ll be going camping this summer, which fills me with dread. I don’t see a break happening. I’m afraid that I’m going to crack under this pressure, I already feel like I’m on the edge. Tears keep coming, but no more than a few fall because I am afraid to fall apart. I barely made it to work today, I was late going in and I felt sort of zoned out all day. I was dissociating I guess but didn’t even try to break out of it, I was having intrusive thoughts, but grounding seemed too much effort. I am so drained.  I didn’t get chance, or couldn’t be bothered to eat today, which isn’t a good sign, I am trying to take care of myself, eating, drinking and sleeping really make a difference, I just didn’t care enough to do it today.

Tomorrow I see my T and I’m desperate to talk about the changes brought on by our last session, but I don’t know that I have the energy to go through it. I considered taking my letter with me as it explains a lot, but my printer won’t work. Maybe that’s a good thing, perhaps I need help with the basics again, reminders of what to do. Perhaps a session of his encouragement  and comfort will help rather than continuing with what we’ve been facing. That pisses me off though, I don’t want this to linger, the shame stuff I mean, I still feel those things, even with some changes in the right direction, it’s brought up more things that I need to address with him. I don’t want to put it on hold, but what choice do I have? I cannot continue progressing, I cannot face more stuff while I feel like this. I hope it just goes overnight and things can carry on as planned. Oh how I wish that happens, I cannot stand feeling this way. I could use some prayers right now.


8 thoughts on “Afraid of myself?

  1. hey….well done for being able to vent, and I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this, can relate in some way… talk to yout T and maybe he/she will be able to help you work out when a break is imminently possible, or at least help you to safely let out some of the emotions that are making you feel so out of control…
    Thinking of you…stay strong x

  2. I am glad you posted, it’s hard to get by sometimes. Just remember you aren’t alone. I know it’s hard and changes make it even worse, but I know when stress and the outside world really start to get chaotic, it makes everything else so much harder. You know that you are not alone and just keep focusing on it does get better, never forget that. It may take longer than you want, but it does get better and life improves. Keep writing and getting it out *hugs*

  3. Isaiah 49: 16 – See, I have inscribed you on the palms of my hands, your walls are continually before me. Be encouraged my dear. This very feeling, God knows and has reminded you in verse above that you are forever in his thoughts. I pray that he grants you the peace he promised us in Philippians 4:7 – And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

    Be strong. Plenty love from AW.

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