Home » My Journey » Not doing so well.

Not doing so well.

I felt a little better after my therapy session Friday, I don’t want to go into that right now, but I left feeling lighter in some ways but so much heavier in other ways. It’s heading in the right direction at least.

Today, I feel really terrible again, but different to Thursday when I wrote that post “Afraid of myself?”. That day I was drowning in shame and so exhausted I just couldn’t fight it at all. Today, I hurt and while pain is better than all that shame, the shame hasn’t gone, there’s just a load of pain piled on top. I ache, I know I need to let it out, but that in itself is an issue, I can’t right now.

I made it to Church this morning, for the first time in weeks, I wish I hadn’t. I felt awkward and separate from everyone. I felt alone, like I was just watching everyone else from the outside. I could see and hear, but I couldn’t reach them. I was probably dissociating though. I felt like a fraud I suppose, I felt like I didn’t belong, I kept thinking, “why am I here?”

I so often feel when I am in Church. I mean really feel, more than I’ve ever been able to anywhere else. I usually cry when I go to there, I often feel comforted and its a release, sometimes I just get triggered and wish I hadn’t gone, but today it was neither of those. I wasn’t triggered nor did I want to cry. I waited until I got to my car to do that. I think I didn’t want the release or the comfort, it’s all complicated and long, but this is how I was with my T on Friday. He encouraged me to “let go” he could see I was fighting it, but I didn’t want to and I didn’t want to today either. I don’t feel ready or able and quite frankly, I am afraid.

So anyway, I came home to an empty house, my husband and boys were visiting my parents. I probably should have enjoyed some “me time” but I couldn’t, I cleaned, then sat around waiting for them to come home. I wanted to be with them or I wanted to be in my home town and so I was angry and hurt, because I don’t choose this. None of this is a choice and that opens up all sorts of anger- sick of never seeming to have a choice with this, blah blah blah.

A week tomorrow, my employers go away for 2 weeks, so this week and the next two at work will be demanding and stressful. All the responsibility is on me ,as it’s a tiny company and I’m the only one out of the three staff remaining that has the experience to run it (the other two haven’t been there as long). I feel unwell, I desperately want some time off, even though the routine helps, I am pulled in so many directions. My employer is lovely, but after a conversation on Friday, proved to me he doesn’t understand in any way at all.

I suppose, I feel like most parents do, unable to have enough time or energy  to give all to anything. I feel like I am failing as a mother, as a wife, as an employee and I feel unable to give my all to therapy. I neglect relationships, I make too many errors at work and while therapy is progressing well, I don’t have the time or energy to do all the work in between, so it’s prolonging the agony..

I don’t really have anyone to come and help out, it’s pretty much me, my husband and my children. Most of my family are in my home town where I don’t want to be and through no fault of their own, they can trigger me too. I have a few friends, that I used to see regularly, but due to their own busy lives, I’ve not really seen for almost a year (though I get to see one in two weeks for a few hours, yay!).  Something has to give, I can’t do this anymore. Everyone tells me I am strong, I know I must have been to get this far, but right now I cannot seem to find that strength to draw on.

I am pretty sure I am driving everyone nuts, from the outside (and this is pretty much the conversation I had with my employer Friday) it looks as if I have gone from being happy and together, to a mess, as if starting therapy has caused it. I don’t think many understand how much I was hiding before. It’s always been this way, but it was buried, I ignored it, in some ways it was hidden from me too (see “Me Versus Me”).

I feel like hell and all I can seem to do is moan about it.

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6 thoughts on “Not doing so well.

  1. I so know the kind of things you’re feeling right now. I know everybody’s different, but I think I understand anyway. You’re not alone in this. And you have helped me realize that I have not lost myself. I’m still inside myself, and so are you. And so is the strength you need to get through this. And it will come out when you need it. It’s there, ready.

    Yes, it’s going to be a stressful week, but you will make it through because you’re strong and you’re not alone. My thoughts and my love are with you.

    Cee ❤

  2. Moan dear heart moan. Have the right to feel all that you do. I know sometimes it feels like you’re losing your mind or if you begin to feel you’ll break from the pressure of it all. Through your blogging, and church there is relief, empathy, and understanding. Therapy, support groups help too in any event let it out, it’s not doing you any good holding it within. Thank you so much for your very honest sharing, you’ve said so much for many of us.

  3. There were countless times when I went in for counseling and would not allow access to deep wounds. Fear would block the actual memory, even though I knew what needed to be looked at. In hind sight, I wonder if it was an act of mercy on the part of the Holy Spirit, who knew I was not strong enough to deal with it. I would leave as stirred up as I was when I left. Life during the next week was hell.

    I am so thankful that those days are behind me now. God is good.

    Hey, did you read my recent 4-part series that are part of my healing process? You can find the first one here (links to the other three are at the bottom of each post): http://lessonsbyheart.wordpress.com/2013/07/24/god-blew-up-my-box/

    I’m looking forward to reading about your own healing process very soon, dear one.

    Longing for heaven,
    \o/

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