I felt a little better after my therapy session Friday, I don’t want to go into that right now, but I left feeling lighter in some ways but so much heavier in other ways. It’s heading in the right direction at least.
Today, I feel really terrible again, but different to Thursday when I wrote that post “Afraid of myself?”. That day I was drowning in shame and so exhausted I just couldn’t fight it at all. Today, I hurt and while pain is better than all that shame, the shame hasn’t gone, there’s just a load of pain piled on top. I ache, I know I need to let it out, but that in itself is an issue, I can’t right now.
I made it to Church this morning, for the first time in weeks, I wish I hadn’t. I felt awkward and separate from everyone. I felt alone, like I was just watching everyone else from the outside. I could see and hear, but I couldn’t reach them. I was probably dissociating though. I felt like a fraud I suppose, I felt like I didn’t belong, I kept thinking, “why am I here?”
I so often feel when I am in Church. I mean really feel, more than I’ve ever been able to anywhere else. I usually cry when I go to there, I often feel comforted and its a release, sometimes I just get triggered and wish I hadn’t gone, but today it was neither of those. I wasn’t triggered nor did I want to cry. I waited until I got to my car to do that. I think I didn’t want the release or the comfort, it’s all complicated and long, but this is how I was with my T on Friday. He encouraged me to “let go” he could see I was fighting it, but I didn’t want to and I didn’t want to today either. I don’t feel ready or able and quite frankly, I am afraid.
So anyway, I came home to an empty house, my husband and boys were visiting my parents. I probably should have enjoyed some “me time” but I couldn’t, I cleaned, then sat around waiting for them to come home. I wanted to be with them or I wanted to be in my home town and so I was angry and hurt, because I don’t choose this. None of this is a choice and that opens up all sorts of anger- sick of never seeming to have a choice with this, blah blah blah.
A week tomorrow, my employers go away for 2 weeks, so this week and the next two at work will be demanding and stressful. All the responsibility is on me ,as it’s a tiny company and I’m the only one out of the three staff remaining that has the experience to run it (the other two haven’t been there as long). I feel unwell, I desperately want some time off, even though the routine helps, I am pulled in so many directions. My employer is lovely, but after a conversation on Friday, proved to me he doesn’t understand in any way at all.
I suppose, I feel like most parents do, unable to have enough time or energy to give all to anything. I feel like I am failing as a mother, as a wife, as an employee and I feel unable to give my all to therapy. I neglect relationships, I make too many errors at work and while therapy is progressing well, I don’t have the time or energy to do all the work in between, so it’s prolonging the agony..
I don’t really have anyone to come and help out, it’s pretty much me, my husband and my children. Most of my family are in my home town where I don’t want to be and through no fault of their own, they can trigger me too. I have a few friends, that I used to see regularly, but due to their own busy lives, I’ve not really seen for almost a year (though I get to see one in two weeks for a few hours, yay!). Something has to give, I can’t do this anymore. Everyone tells me I am strong, I know I must have been to get this far, but right now I cannot seem to find that strength to draw on.
I am pretty sure I am driving everyone nuts, from the outside (and this is pretty much the conversation I had with my employer Friday) it looks as if I have gone from being happy and together, to a mess, as if starting therapy has caused it. I don’t think many understand how much I was hiding before. It’s always been this way, but it was buried, I ignored it, in some ways it was hidden from me too (see “Me Versus Me”).
I feel like hell and all I can seem to do is moan about it.