I’ve been looking for release for days and this evening I found it in another letter to my abuser. I shed a few.. not enough, but a few tears and I feel somewhat lighter and stronger too.
Big trigger warning, I am sure it will not be easy reading for family. Please be careful.
I remember the day we met, I remember what you said. Do those words echo in your head the way they do in mine? Or am I one of so many that you just don’t remember the details? I know I wasn’t the first and I know I wasn’t the last, I know that I was just another notch, another number, another name to add to the list.
That day we met, you had already decided what you were going to do, you picked me, you singled me out. You saw my vulnerability, my innocence, my naivety. You played on it but you took your time, you found all my weaknesses. You began the grooming process. You lied to me from the moment we met, your age, where you were from, where you lived, your family, your girlfriend, everything. Every single thing. You were tripping yourself up in lies but I was so keen to believe you, I wanted the idea, I wanted it to be true. I wanted you to love me and I wanted to love you too. It was like some amazing love story, separated by age and social barriers and love would win in the end. It was one you told me over and over again. When people opposed us, it became part of that story, it was just like you told it, they would try to keep us apart because they didn’t understand. I fell for it, I fell for the idea, I fell for your lies, you did so well, you got me right where you wanted me to be, utterly head over heels.
And then it began.. not a relationship, not some wonderful love story. No, you began to hurt me, you took away my innocence, you took away my smile. I wanted out so badly, but I couldn’t find a way. As I looked for the door all I could see were you walls, barriers built high that I couldn’t seem to cross. You were so well rehearsed, you knew what to do, you knew to change tactics just at the right moment. Just as I was about to find that way out you changed the rules of your game.
You bought me flowers, you bought me earrings, you cooked me dinner, you kissed me gently and held my hand as you walked me home. You were with me every step it seemed, as the world turned its back on me, you were right there arms wide open. Except you were the reason I needed to escape. You were the one who put me in that position. You made me think you were my saviour, you made me feels as if you were the only one who cared. You twisted everything, you undid all my beliefs, you shattered my faith.
It slowly got worse, you pushed and pushed, and it felt as if the world was closing in around us. It felt like it was just you and me drowning in our sin and alone in our shameful actions. You were all I had so I clung on tight. I was so afraid every day, I wanted to feel safety and as fucked up as it sounds, I felt safe with you. You made the world seem such a dark and scary place, so much worse than you. Compared to what you threatened, your actions seemed safe. Yet, until I met you I was protected, my world was entirely safe. You introduced me to pain, you showed me a world that was full of hurt and hate. With you I learned what it was to feel ashamed, you trained me, you pulled me so deep down into your darkness that I gave up all hope. I was in the pits of despair, I submitted to you as I resigned myself to my fate, a lifetime of torment as your girl.
You used me over and over and over again, you tortured me, making me feel depths of physical pain that I didn’t know existed. You laughed as I cried, you stood over me yelling when I didn’t do it right. You punched a hole in the wall next to my head when I asked for a break. You kicked off a door in anger as I wondered what I had done. The whole time I blamed myself, scolded myself for angering you, not once did I question why you were doing this to me. I accepted it. See how much you had ground me down? I believed I deserved your actions. I searched within myself looking for an answer, some kind of reason for why you would hurt me. Though I knew what you did was wrong, I thought the blame was mine. And for years I have carried it, the blame and the shame and the belief that you must have loved me. I guess the reality was too much for me to handle, it was easier to believe your lies.
But last week I was finally strong enough and the truth became clear. The reality is barely tolerable but it is my only way to freedom. I know I am getting closer I feel it waiting for me, a place where your lies will no longer hold me.
Though I am astounded at the reality, I am lighter with this clarity and with the knowledge of what you are. I know you never loved me, I know you didn’t even care. As I type this I am saying it in my head and it is clear:
You groomed me, you raped me and you abused me.
I see you now, I know what you are and I know what you did.