You talk about free will as if I had a choice. It never seemed to matter, what I wanted was ignored.
Even now it bothers me, as if I somehow I should learn. I never wanted this lesson I was happy not to know.
I get the meaning, I understand the concept, but it just doesn’t seem to apply, as if this ever could be my will, or a freedom of my own.
I choose to get better, I choose to move forward, most days I face the choice of which way I want to go.
But how can it be free and how can it be my will? When I didn’t choose to be here, I didn’t want this path.
Oh I know it’s my journey and I know it’s up to me. Yet I cannot shake this feeling that this was not meant to be.
As if it’s someone else’s life, because there’s no way this can be mine. It feels so damn surreal as I look back over time.
Perhaps you are right, I choose to heal from this, I choose every single day and in there must be freedom, in that must be my will?
It’s just so hard to see it, when the choice I want is not there and never was in my past.
I do not regret my decisions now, but I do regret what was, I did not want him to do that and I did not want this to last.
You wonder why I am a control freak, I feel I’m simply trying to hold on. This still does not feel like my will, if it were I’d simply let go.
Perhaps one day I will get there and you can be my witness. I will at last, say no.