Yesterday, I was hoping I was coming out the other side of a few weeks of hell. Despite some hyper vigilance my weekend was ok and ok is a huge improvement on how things have been lately. Yesterday, I had a pretty good day. Work was good, I had a date with my husband away from the children, we got all dressed up and went into the local City. It was good to feel alright.
Today, I feel like I’m on a come down, I woke with chest pain that hasn’t subsided and I am hyper vigilant. I have a week off work, both my children at home and I’m just a couple of hours in and my head is pounding. Their noise and movement, while completely normal for small children, is too much for me right now, it’s feeding the hyper vigilance. They are actually driving me crazy with fighting and moaning too.. I am considering taking them out to a park so I can get some space and they can run off some energy but not sure that will actually help the hyper vigilance, it may well hinder it.
Looking over my shoulder when I am out is all part of the hyper vigilance (assuming I’m not somewhere I actually do feel unsafe) I worry about people walking behind me on the street, in a shop, or having a child come up behind me on a scooter/ bike unexpectedly. It’s all normal every day stuff, but when I am feeeling this way it is very scary.
I suspect the way I feel is tied into going out last night. It was a little out of my comfort zone. Though I felt safe with my husband, there were a number of triggers throughout the evening that I noticed. I grounded quickly, but they were still there and they take their toll. I don’t think I was fully relaxed either, I was very aware of other people- other men, particularly when my husband went to the bar or to the “Gents”.
I remember once when I was at University in a bar with friends and a guy came over to join us, he had been watching us for a while and he said to me “your eyes are all over this pub” at the time I knew he was right, but I did not realise that it was a symptom of PTSD (hyper vigilance). It wasn’t quite as bad as that last night, but I was aware there were times I was on edge.
So, I’m kinda annoyed. I finally felt pretty good and did something I wanted to do yet I have to suffer for it the next day. Perhaps it’s my fault, for expecting too much or for choosing the wrong place to have a date.
I have a week off work, but right now I am wishing I was in work not home. Funny how when I am feeling bad and have to work I wish to be home. I’m not sure being anywhere in particular helps. I guess it’s a matter of riding it out.