Third post today, after two weeks of barely posting, I feel the need but I’m not feeling well, the PTSD is bad. I want to write but cannot write about my feelings or address what I know or at least think I know is going on for me. So I’ve been reading lots (as I mentioned in my post on Grooming, The Impact of Grooming) on grooming, abuse, acceptance and healing. All stuff I’ve read up on before, but it’s somehow different for me now.
I feel like I’m desperate to read anything I can get my hands on, all the details and facts are spinning around my mind as I try and make sense of it and how it applies to me. It’s not about torturing myself with other people’s stories at all, been there, done that years ago. I’m finding it helpful not torturous, though it is not pain free. I keep being hit by.. “really?” “how can this be?” moments. I think my T was right (he usually is!) I am in the process but not out the other side of accepting what I went through.
I found an article on Pandys (a site I’ve turned to many times over the last ten years or so) that has been really stuck a cord with me, it’s something I have bookmarked and I know I will return to it again and again. It upset me but also has filled me with hope at the same time. Here:
“But if to be “over it” means never feeling any more pain attached to it, this is not possible for me and this I accept. I will feel the pain”
Refreshing to hear but painful too. I don’t even want to delve into that and what that stirs up for me right now. It stood out for me, so I will come back to it, possibly with my T this week.
“owning, accepting and moving through your pain whenever it pops its head up IS moving on.”
Wow! My T talks a lot about owning my feelings and letting them sit. He has told me over and over about the importance of feeling what ever I feel and not to fall in the trap of denying and suppressing my emotions.
I have come across many reports and articles, some very painful, some empowering, mostly a mix of both. Some things apply, some do not, but its helpful to read up on it, particularly the experiences of others. I don’t know that I feel better for it, it just feels necessary for me right now. In some ways I feel like my world has crumbled again, that what I knew has been taken away, that I don’t know who I am or who I was. I feel like my whole identity has changed, I’m questioning so much. It isn’t the first time, but it feels very big right now. I know it’s a massive step, my T keeps reminding me that this is supposed to be painful, it’s supposed to be hard and that acceptance is always the hardest part. Arming myself with as much information as possible seems to be my only way through this right now.