Following my post this morning (“Hyper Vigilance and a general whine”), I could feel myself deteriorating very quickly. When I get this way, one of two things happen, I can follow the path downwards (though it isn’t quite that simple, it’s more like I’m pulled down that path and have nothing in me left to resist) or I can take control (again not as simple as it sounds).
The children were pushing me over the edge, they were fighting, being loud and jumpy and it was becoming too much. If I was feeling ok, firstly it wouldn’t bother me so much, secondly I’d recognise the signs of them either needing a snack, attention or for the baby, a nap. I was unable to recognise any of that this morning.
I could feel myself spiralling downwards, I was feeling angry and attacked because of the hyper vigilance and I was feeling negative that my very looked forward to night out, caused this. I had a chat with my “besty” online, where we discussed the children mostly and how I was handling them, he encouraged me to separate them (sounds so simple, but I was struggling to even think straight). With his support and encouragement I decided enough was enough and I needed to take control of my morning and my hyper vigilance (as much as is actually possible).
I separated the boys, the big one sent to his room to play and I lay the baby down for nap. Then I got changed into comfort clothes (sounds silly but jeans, long sleeves and/ or hoody help a lot). I made tea and a snack and then spent a little time outside before coming in to be comforted by my sofa, cushions and blankets (soft items really help). I can’t take away the hyper vigilance, I can’t make my symptoms go, but I can help myself. I wasn’t doing that this morning, the children were a trigger, they were feeding the symptoms and I was feeling so negative I was feeding it too. I wasn’t taking the steps I needed to do everything possible to help me feel better. I was making it worse for myself, which now I’m calmer seems ludicrous, why wouldn’t I help myself when I feel bad? In the moment though, it’s like a negative spiral and once on it, it is very hard to get off.
So, I am feeling calmer, the children are quiet and I feel a sense of achievement for taking control of the situation. It could have easily gone another way and does sometimes, where my husband would need to intervene, I’d beat myself up for not achieving and the symptoms would worsen and the effect would be prolonged.
I also feel better about last night and my day yesterday. A fellow blogger (her blog “Echoes of Yesterday”) reminded me that even though I feel bad today, I still had a good day yesterday. The way I feel now does not detract from yesterday. The come down was inevitable, the aforementioned blogger reminded me of this – feeling ok and holding onto that feeling takes a lot of effort and energy. Beating myself up for having this come down is not going to get me anywhere.
I feel a sense of achievement for yesterday as well as this morning, I had a good day at work and I was excited to go out last night. I enjoyed being with my husband, I managed to be out of my comfort zone and I grounded quickly when triggered. I think I did pretty well.
I am trying to hold on to the sense of achievement and take comfort in my surroundings right now, hopefully the hyper vigilance will pass soon so I can enjoy some of my time off work.