I’ve had a rough few weeks, with so many downs and no real ups, but that seems to be changing.. YAY!
I’m back to ups and downs lately.. that’s good, that’s great compared to what it was. The ups are wonderful, even if I just feel ok, ok is a huge improvement on how I often feel. It makes this all worthwhile. When it’s continual downs I question whether it’s worth it, if I made the right decision blah blah blah…
Therapy is going well, I am looking forward to each session, I need the reassurance and validation. We are not doing any trauma work right now, no having to talk about details in my sessions and that is a welcome relief. My weekend wasn’t too bad at all, Saturday evening was difficult and PTSD was trying to ruin my day Sunday, but there were considerable amount of up moments on both days. Yesterday was not ok at all, I’m feeling down and angry today as a result, which is the purpose of this post really- to remind myself that things were very dark for me but I am coming out the other side. To remind myself that it isn’t all going to be plain sailing, it doesn’t suddenly just go from crap to good. To remind myself that there really have been up moments just a day or so ago. Those up moments aren’t far away and they will return.
I’m angry at the way PTSD ruined the day yesterday and I am angry that I couldn’t regain control, in fact it got steadily worse as the day went on. I’m angry that as a result of the PTSD I was unable to voice my distress to my husband, to tell him what I needed/ didn’t need so it all just got worse (it becomes a cycle that is very hard to break out of). I’m angry that this affects my husband and my children.
The grooming “stuff” has my head in a spin, I feel in constant turmoil, I wake each day with that feeling like I have an important exam that day. The up moments make even that worth it, but after a day like yesterday, I need the reminder.
I think in every session for the last few weeks I’ve started each session with my head in my hands telling my T “this is so hard”. It has seemed so relentless lately.
But there are up moments, there really are! And that is something to hold on to.