Difficult day, but still positive.

That dream really stirred up some stuff. I’ve been battling hyper vigilance and also periods of dissociation today. This afternoon and this evening, I keep crying and it causes my head to hurt, which seems to add to the dissociation. I am aware I’m unwell, all the signs are there, the usual symptoms for sure, but it’s going a little further than that.

I’m experiencing changes in perception, the stress, the dissociation, perhaps even the hyper vigilance, can alter the way I see things. Objects move, shimmer sort of. I’m experiencing paranoia which is another sign.  I’m also losing chunks of time, I have blanks of what happened during periods of the day.

I am unable to ground properly, to the point where the present seems like the dream. I’m constantly having to shift my focus on to things in the room to force myself back into reality. Grounding can be automatic, but today it is a real effort. I feel almost lost inside myself, and it’s a real strain to force myself to do what I know I need to ground.

The shakes come and go, but I’m left with a consistent and way too familiar shiver, as if my insides are shaking (which in itself is triggering- like a body shock/ trauma shake). The tears come from my distress at being stuck in memories and they are not even specific memories. It’s just all there, like echoes of the past all around me, murmurs, fragments, jolts of memories from that time and I cannot see around them. I am not sure I am making any sense?

I know where I am, I know I am not a teenager, I am 30, in my home, with my children and my husband. I know it, I do. “He” is not here, I’m not there, I’m no longer in danger, it isn’t going to happen, “he” cannot hurt me, I’m safe. I am safe.

 I don’t even know why I am typing this, I tried to journal and nothing much came out, it certainly wasn’t helping with grounding. I watched some TV, I’m surrounded by soft, clean furnishings, my house is light and peaceful (now the boys are sleeping). I am doing all the right things even though it’s an effort, but it isn’t working.  It seems to be coming out here and perhaps it’s helping, in fact I think it is grounding me some. Just focusing on trying to explain how I feel, typing, touching the keys and correcting the typos, is grounding. Plus sometimes it seems to help to explain it to others, it helps me to make sense of, or get things in order for myself.

I feel full of guilt for being this way, even though I cannot help it, it still feels as if I should be able to control it. I feel guilty for not being up to caring for my children alone today and the extra strain and pressure it puts on my husband. 

Positives:  Though this is horrible, I have a good deal of awareness that I am unwell, what my symptoms are, the memories behind it and the feelings that are going with it. I have been doing what I am able to do to comfort myself and to ground. I’ve eaten, I’m hydrated. I know that this will pass, because it will, it always does. It’s not easy, it’s quite distressing, but the awareness is good, knowing what I am fighting is really important. 

 

 

 

A dream

It was a rough night and it is an incredibly painful morning, not like yesterday, which was so freeing, the pain was specific and I felt like it was time to feel that, I was ready. This morning, this feels like it’s been forced on me, my pain is a mix of then and now. I am trying to contain the memory, but desperately want to contain the feelings too, which would mean I would be suppressing it right? It’s not what I want, but oh I need to do something. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach.

I wrote this (and a whole lot more) in my journal this morning.

 

I dreamt of you

my beautiful friend

it was us and them, back then.

We were in our old hang out

all of us, a family again.

It was so vivid, so real,

I could feel your life

your energy, your strength.

I was afraid

but I was surrounded,

within your group

And in your vibrant light

I could almost pretend

that it were not ever true.

 

I woke in agony, longing for you

for that feeling and for us,

And as I cried for you and then

for us and them

I held my husband’s hand

‘cos I have to ground from you

I’m so sorry my dear

I’m just not ready for this

I have to step away

step back, step out of our world,

‘cos (and I don’t know how)

real life does goes on.

A painfully great day

This morning  I decided today would be great. Was I setting myself up for a fall? Perhaps. I plan way too much I know that, I also know how much I hate it when things don’t go to plan.

I was feeling good though and felt sure I could have a great day. Thursday was a good day, Friday was good at first, with a rough middle and a good end. Yesterday started off OK, but a combination of hyper vigilance and  a challenging trip to town (plus a huge disappointment that I’m not ready to go into right now) led to an afternoon of exhaustion and recovery. So things have been sort of mixed. I’m thrilled though, absolutely thrilled that even among all the symptoms, I’ve managed to feel alright for a large proportion of the day. Woop, Woop, YAY.

Anyway, back to today. Because of the good feelings the last few days, I was confident in saying that today would be great. Perhaps great was setting my sights too high, perhaps I should have chosen to use the term “good” or even “OK”.

In the end, today was not easy, but I’ve been reflecting on it this evening and wondering if great has to mean brilliant, or wonderful? I could be all negative and down about it not being great, or I can CHOOSE to find the positive and even the progress that I know is there.

I was incredibly emotional today, I felt sad. I needed the comfort of my husband and children, the familiarity of my home, the smell of my laundry drying, etc. I needed here and I needed now and all the comfort that “here and now” brings to me. I cried a teeny bit, I felt down, I felt sad, I felt pain and my heart ached, my throat felt raw, my chest heavy. Yet somehow it wasn’t terrible. And though I’d be far reaching to say I felt good, it wasn’t bad, it really wasn’t. In actual fact, it was freeing. Because today I felt what I needed to feel, I was sad and hurt and I have every right to be. I felt it, I didn’t deny or suppress it. I felt it. And that’s the key, the point, the greatness that was today. I felt, I FELT.

I’ve been numb for a long time, sadness about this isn’t something I do all that often. I feel anger, I feel guilt, I feel shame, I feel abandonment even at times, but I don’t feel sadness much, not about my past. Oh I feel sadness about “stuff” surrounding it sure, about day to day things, yup, I even cry at TV shows, but this, him, that .. nope. What I felt today was new. Don’t get me wrong, it was minor, a few tears, an overshadowing of sadness, no sob fest. There are still obstacles, a wall/ issues I guess, but ultimately, I did what I needed to do, I did feel what I felt. I took that step and I let some of it out and that is great!

So maybe today didn’t go as planned, maybe I didn’t feel great in the sense I thought I would but I felt something I really needed to feel today, I took another step forward and that is great.

(hugs and hand holding wouldn’t go amiss though, great or not, it hurts!)

PTSD sucks

I am so angry right now. This morning, yesterday too, I felt ok, calm, grounded. As I drove to work this morning, I realised how good it felt to be in the “here and now” I was, I was present and it was so exciting for me to feel it and know that this will (and I’m determined) be my reality one day.

I went to work, which was fine, until the Emergency lighting was tested. The corridors were dark with this sort of yellow light. As I walked through from my office along a corridor to reception I was hit by a Flashback. The lighting was too familiar, the dark corners, the door ways, the quiet. I felt sick. I managed to ground before I hit the floor.

So now I’m angry, PTSD trying to ruin my day, PTSD sucks, this sucks. I hate you PTSD and I hate him, oh how I hate him.

Enough, ENOUGH. I want to live here, now, not then.

 

Ok, now that’s off my chest (and it helped for sure) I’m going to swim as I had planned and turn this day back around.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Not ready

Last night was rough, or early this morning to be exact. Two sets of memories from two terrible dreams. I think I can handle one, though the body memories are bad and I’m physically hurting, at least it was just me (and him) and at least I have faced it. Oh the other is killing me, I am struggling to contain it, I miss my T. Week two of no therapy.

 

I need him today

to tell me it’ll be OK.

I am trying to remember

what would he would say.

To remind me it’s possible

that I can contain it.

‘Cos I need to push it away

I am not ready for this.

It’s not something I can face.

Not now, not yet and not today

 

Blaming the Victim

Girl, Interrupted

I have a problem with the way victims are treated.  In particular, rape/abuse victims.  There’s a phenomenon in our society that’s referred to as “blaming the victim.”  Blaming the victim occurs when the victim of any crime or wrongful act is held in anyway responsible for the thing that has happened to them.  The victim is lying.  Faking.  She asked for it.  She didn’t fight back, so she got what was coming to her.  Time has passed.  She should be over it.  

 

Why isn’t she over it?  It’s been so long.

 

It happens every day and it’s utterly ridiculous.  And wrong.  So wrong.  I do what I need to do.  I sit where I need to sit, I leave when a topic makes me uncomfortable, I try to do the best I can.  I can’t always prevent things from happening around me.  I cannot control my environment…

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