That dream really stirred up some stuff. I’ve been battling hyper vigilance and also periods of dissociation today. This afternoon and this evening, I keep crying and it causes my head to hurt, which seems to add to the dissociation. I am aware I’m unwell, all the signs are there, the usual symptoms for sure, but it’s going a little further than that.
I’m experiencing changes in perception, the stress, the dissociation, perhaps even the hyper vigilance, can alter the way I see things. Objects move, shimmer sort of. I’m experiencing paranoia which is another sign. I’m also losing chunks of time, I have blanks of what happened during periods of the day.
I am unable to ground properly, to the point where the present seems like the dream. I’m constantly having to shift my focus on to things in the room to force myself back into reality. Grounding can be automatic, but today it is a real effort. I feel almost lost inside myself, and it’s a real strain to force myself to do what I know I need to ground.
The shakes come and go, but I’m left with a consistent and way too familiar shiver, as if my insides are shaking (which in itself is triggering- like a body shock/ trauma shake). The tears come from my distress at being stuck in memories and they are not even specific memories. It’s just all there, like echoes of the past all around me, murmurs, fragments, jolts of memories from that time and I cannot see around them. I am not sure I am making any sense?
I know where I am, I know I am not a teenager, I am 30, in my home, with my children and my husband. I know it, I do. “He” is not here, I’m not there, I’m no longer in danger, it isn’t going to happen, “he” cannot hurt me, I’m safe. I am safe.
I don’t even know why I am typing this, I tried to journal and nothing much came out, it certainly wasn’t helping with grounding. I watched some TV, I’m surrounded by soft, clean furnishings, my house is light and peaceful (now the boys are sleeping). I am doing all the right things even though it’s an effort, but it isn’t working. It seems to be coming out here and perhaps it’s helping, in fact I think it is grounding me some. Just focusing on trying to explain how I feel, typing, touching the keys and correcting the typos, is grounding. Plus sometimes it seems to help to explain it to others, it helps me to make sense of, or get things in order for myself.
I feel full of guilt for being this way, even though I cannot help it, it still feels as if I should be able to control it. I feel guilty for not being up to caring for my children alone today and the extra strain and pressure it puts on my husband.
Positives: Though this is horrible, I have a good deal of awareness that I am unwell, what my symptoms are, the memories behind it and the feelings that are going with it. I have been doing what I am able to do to comfort myself and to ground. I’ve eaten, I’m hydrated. I know that this will pass, because it will, it always does. It’s not easy, it’s quite distressing, but the awareness is good, knowing what I am fighting is really important.