This may not be all that coherent, I’m dissociating just at the thought of approaching this.
So when I began this blog I wrote a brief post about how I wanted God in my life, that I was praying, reading the Bible (though admittedly not enough) and that I was trying to move forward in a relationship with God. However, as things get harder I find I move away from that rather than towards. I have noticed that when things are easier, I feel as if I’m moving forward, I’m starting to learn, I find time to read the Bible, etc etc, but when things get harder, I get angry and I feel bitter. I struggle with rage and often it is directed at God.
I’ve not brought this up in therapy yet and I’m not sure I’ve got my head around it, but Church, God, the Bible anything around God and Christianity can be a trigger. Oh Church is so wonderful sometimes, a place where I can believe that with God in my life I can heal. Then things get bad again and that comfort becomes a trigger. I find myself running away, because it’s too painful and too hard to be in that mindset, to take part in those things again that remind me of that time.. a time, that when I am feeling so bad, is way too close.
When things are really bad, it often manifests in anger (at a lot of things), I can barely control it. I just feel so attacked all the time. Then, if I try to pray or read the Bible, or anything that reminds me, it adds to the anger. It’s not even about the whole “why me, where were you God?” blah blah, it’s rage at wanting to move forward, to have Faith again, but when I need it the most, “God stuff” is so damn triggering and that makes me angry(ier).
I don’t even know if this makes sense? I’m just rambling I guess.
I lost control a little in T on Friday with regards to anger, it was something I was aware of but not the depth. Though, it wasn’t related, it got me thinking about how far removed I’ve felt from God lately and how close the anger is. The two seem to go hand in hand. The idea of praying causes me chest pain right now though, the idea of going to Church scares me, I dissociate at the just the thought of reading the Bible. I feel the further I get into it, the further away I am from God. It’s not what I want, when I started all this, I felt it was the beginning of finding my Faith, but that seems so far away now.
What am I supposed to do when it’s all so triggering? There are so many triggers everywhere, it makes me sick and very very angry.
I will bring this up in T when I can, I’m determined to find a way through this.
Ok, can’t do anymore right now, feel like I’m wading my way through a thick fog.
Thanks for reading.. I’ll probably cringe when i read this tomorrow.