Home » God and Christianity » Anger, God, Triggers..

Anger, God, Triggers..

This may not be all that coherent, I’m dissociating just at the thought of approaching this.

So when I began this blog I wrote a brief post about how I wanted God in my life, that I was praying, reading the Bible (though admittedly not enough) and that I was trying to move forward in a relationship with God. However, as things get harder I find I move away from that rather than towards. I have noticed that when things are easier, I feel as if I’m moving forward, I’m starting to learn, I find time to read the Bible, etc etc, but when things get harder, I get angry and I feel bitter. I struggle with rage and often it is directed at God.

I’ve not brought this up in therapy yet and I’m not sure I’ve got my head around it, but Church, God, the Bible anything around God and Christianity can be a trigger. Oh Church is so wonderful sometimes, a place where I can believe that with God in my life I can heal. Then things get bad again and that comfort becomes a trigger. I find myself running away, because it’s too painful and too hard to be in that mindset, to take part in those things again that remind me of that time.. a time, that when I am feeling so bad, is way too close.

When things are really bad, it often manifests in anger (at a lot of things), I can barely control it. I just feel so attacked all the time. Then, if I try to pray or read the Bible, or anything that reminds me, it adds to the anger.  It’s not even about the whole “why me, where were you God?” blah blah, it’s rage at wanting to move forward, to have Faith again, but when I need it the most, “God stuff” is so damn triggering and that makes me angry(ier).

I don’t even know if this makes sense? I’m just rambling I guess.

I lost control a little in T on Friday with regards to anger, it was something I was aware of but not the depth. Though, it wasn’t related, it got me thinking about how far removed I’ve felt from God lately and how close the anger is. The two seem to go hand in hand. The idea of praying causes me chest pain right now though, the idea of going to Church scares me, I dissociate at the just the thought of reading the Bible. I feel the further I get into it, the further away I am from God. It’s not what I want, when I started all this, I felt it was the beginning of finding my Faith, but that seems so far away now.

What am I supposed to do when it’s all so triggering? There are so many triggers everywhere, it makes me sick and very very angry.

I will bring this up in T when I can, I’m determined to find a way through this.

Ok, can’t do anymore right now, feel like I’m wading my way through a thick fog.

Thanks for reading.. I’ll probably cringe when i read this tomorrow.

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “Anger, God, Triggers..

  1. A friend of mine I met through a r*ape survivors site went with a friend to church this morning. She spoke to the priest for a while and ended up blurting the whole story out about how he’d been attacked. The priest just listened and then, when she broke down crying, asked when her last confession was. She said she’d never been to confession. (She’s not even Catholic!) The priest told her that was the reason she was r*ped and that she needed to ask God’s forgiveness for sinning against him. My friend was speechless and just stared at him. Then, after a minute, she got up and left the building.

    This is the kind of idiot that makes religion distasteful. I hope you find someone with a more compassionate response.

    • Thanks Cee.. unfortunately, this does happen in Churches, far to often. Victim blaming is all over, in and out of Churches.

      They aren’t all that way though, I’ve met some amazing people, one minister who about a year ago, I confided in. His response has been compassionate, I am believed. I am sure there are many more who would react in the same way.

      • I’ve been really lucky so far. I lost a lot of friends because I suddenly wasn’t the fun, smiling, bouncing-off-the-walls girl I was before, but nobody has said that it didn’t happen to me…at least not to my face. That must be awfully hard. I cannot imagine having a priest tell me God wanted me to be r*ped. What kind of god would want that? And what kind of person would say that to a young girl? Sometimes I just don’t understand people.

      • People don’t want to understand, it’s too difficult for them. Sometimes it’s easier to blame the victim than to accept these things are happening all around them. I see it all the time, everywhere, even from people I know well and who are good people. They simply cannot handle it. My T tells me all the time that it’s human nature to distort and deny what is too hard.

        I am glad no one is blaming you, I’m sorry you’ve lost some friends because of it, but that’s on them, not you. Your posts seem more positive lately, I’m so pleased, you are amazing. 🙂

      • Medicine and therapy have really helped, but I’m not doing too well at school. I’m having trouble concentrating, I don’t do well in groups at all, and any loud sounds make me jump. I don’t know what to do. I’ve always loved school. Well, not LOVED it, but I’ve always loved being around people, and now… So much has changed. I don’t want to be a quitter, but I also don’t want to go crazy.

      • School on top of all you going through is never going to be easy. Can you not take some time out? You need to concentrate on you, put your mental health first when you can. I’m glad therapy and the medication is helping

      • Some time off would be heavenly. I feel like I got cheated out of summer. I spent most of the school break in the nuthouse. I needed it, but it felt like I was in prison. I don’t want to fall behind in school, but I really could use a break where I get to do something fun.

  2. Cee Hart – that is just an awful story and I hope just an isolated case !!!! God is a caring God and loves us all, whoever and whatever we are. x

    • Fortunately my friend took the priest’s words with a grain of salt. She just figured he wanted her to think she was going to hell because she wasn’t a Catholic.

  3. Now this is my opinion, and only an opinion…But, I believe that Satan does not want to let go. He has had a grip on your mind for so long, that the mere fact that you are walking into the light, is making him feel he is going to lose you. I cannot for a minute know how hard it must be for you to fight the triggers. But, I say fight! This is an opportunity to fight back. Realize that the root is satan. So, when you are feeling this way about church, bible,praying. Say out loud I rebuke you satan in the name of Jesus Christ. There is POWER IN THE NAME OF JESUS! It’s worth a shot, see if it helps at all….. Lots of Love to you sweetheart! You WILL BEAT THIS! It won’t be perfected here, but satan WILL NOT WIN!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s