It felt good to write that post last night (Love, Sex, Relationships & Truth), it was empowering to read it over this morning. But, I had a rough night and I’m pretty sure it’s because I went “there” with that post.
I used to like noise, all the time. TV, music, whatever. It helped keep the thoughts and memories away. This morning, I found myself turning on the TV as I got dressed and ready for work. I turned it up loud and engrossed myself in it. I was aware of what was on my mind, but I just couldn’t deal with it. A little later, I wondered if reading last night’s posts would be a mistake, but as mentioned above, that one actually helped a little. I do feel that way, I do know what really went on, but it’s so painful and it brings memories to the surface that I’d rather forget. Not so much trauma, but memories I’d almost held dear. Memories that I had relied on to convince me that it wasn’t abuse, that there was love and choice. Now I am starting to see the truth hidden in the distorted memories and it hurts. It’s like a punch in the stomach each and every time. I feel winded and hurt, shocked and in pain.
I don’t think that post was a mistake, nor the private writings in my journals (I wrote a lot yesterday). I can’t avoid the pain by pretending and avoiding. I don’t want a life time of turning up the volume of the world to shut out what is within. These thoughts need out, this pain needs expressing, this anger needs releasing. Bit by bit, slowly I will do that, but I think it’s going to be a rough ride.
Those posts caused nightmares last night, I’m shaky and triggered this morning. I feel raw in a sense, my chest hurts, I would like to stay home surrounded in pillows and blankets, I’d like hugs and to be taken care of. I feel needy and desperate. I was unable to take my boy to school this morning as a result. But do you know what? That’s ok, because I faced it some last night, I confronted what I was avoiding, even if it was just for a short while and that’s another bit out. It feels good to know that I took another step forward on my path to healing.