Home » My Journey » Silenced no longer

Silenced no longer

Needing and wanting to tell what I went through is a stage I never thought I’d go through. Who wants to talk about such pain and horror?

I’ve been sharing with my T for a while and although it is painful, it is also helpful. I’ve started to find the courage/ strength to tell others some of my experiences. It’s validating, it helps make it seem real,  it helps clarify how I feel and challenge the beliefs I no longer want or need and it helps me to face the shame, guilt and embarrassment I still hold.

All important reasons, but the biggy for me right now, is that it feels like when I tell,  I am taking control. I feel I am taking control of my memories and my experiences. I get the freedom to choose what I want to share and what I would rather not. It feels like every time I tell, it is defiance against the person who did this to me. Each time I share a memory, it feels like I’m taking some of the control back from the abuser and that feels good.

 

You silenced me with your threats

with my shame and lack of self worth

Oh you were clever

cunning and well rehearsed.

 

You had me swear I’d never tell

confident in my fear

you forced me to remain

in my own private hell.

 

And that’s how it’s been

alone with what you did,

not just then, but ever since

the horrors concealed behind a lid

 

Each time I tell

I feel I am getting stronger

I am not keeping your secrets

I will be silenced no longer

 

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7 thoughts on “Silenced no longer

  1. I recently told my parents and an auntie what happened to me, and I have found that it has made me feel a bit more powerful and like I have a little more control over the voices in my head as a result. I hope that this is the same thing that you experience- it’s a huge relief, a freedom that you can get back- one your abuser cannot keep. xx

  2. I so agree with you. The more I speak about it, hear myself tell what they did to me I feel less shame. Those I tell say these very important words to me: I’m sorry this happened to you they tell me how strong I am…most people admire a survivor. And you’re right I come away feeling stronger.

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