Needing and wanting to tell what I went through is a stage I never thought I’d go through. Who wants to talk about such pain and horror?
I’ve been sharing with my T for a while and although it is painful, it is also helpful. I’ve started to find the courage/ strength to tell others some of my experiences. It’s validating, it helps make it seem real, it helps clarify how I feel and challenge the beliefs I no longer want or need and it helps me to face the shame, guilt and embarrassment I still hold.
All important reasons, but the biggy for me right now, is that it feels like when I tell, I am taking control. I feel I am taking control of my memories and my experiences. I get the freedom to choose what I want to share and what I would rather not. It feels like every time I tell, it is defiance against the person who did this to me. Each time I share a memory, it feels like I’m taking some of the control back from the abuser and that feels good.
You silenced me with your threats
with my shame and lack of self worth
Oh you were clever
cunning and well rehearsed.
You had me swear I’d never tell
confident in my fear
you forced me to remain
in my own private hell.
And that’s how it’s been
alone with what you did,
not just then, but ever since
the horrors concealed behind a lid
Each time I tell
I feel I am getting stronger
I am not keeping your secrets
I will be silenced no longer