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A dream

It was a rough night and it is an incredibly painful morning, not like yesterday, which was so freeing, the pain was specific and I felt like it was time to feel that, I was ready. This morning, this feels like it’s been forced on me, my pain is a mix of then and now. I am trying to contain the memory, but desperately want to contain the feelings too, which would mean I would be suppressing it right? It’s not what I want, but oh I need to do something. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach.

I wrote this (and a whole lot more) in my journal this morning.


I dreamt of you

my beautiful friend

it was us and them, back then.

We were in our old hang out

all of us, a family again.

It was so vivid, so real,

I could feel your life

your energy, your strength.

I was afraid

but I was surrounded,

within your group

And in your vibrant light

I could almost pretend

that it were not ever true.


I woke in agony, longing for you

for that feeling and for us,

And as I cried for you and then

for us and them

I held my husband’s hand

‘cos I have to ground from you

I’m so sorry my dear

I’m just not ready for this

I have to step away

step back, step out of our world,

‘cos (and I don’t know how)

real life does goes on.


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