Bed has been the enemy for a very long time. It’s not what I would consider one of my safe places, it’s not somewhere I want to be when I’m triggered. Yet, lately, the last year or so I’ve been trying to reclaim my bed. I still have triggers caused by being in bed, but I’ve taken steps to avoid them where possible.
We rent, so we don’t have a choice in how the room is decorated, but, I’ve made it mine as much as possible. TV is a necessity, it can be very grounding to turn on a current TV show when I am triggered. Warmth and light also helpful. Surrounding the bed are photos of my children and of my wedding day, the various surfaces have my things on them.. make-up and such. It is all where it is for a reason, it all has a place in helping me feel safe and grounded.
I want the bed I share with my husband to feel safe. Even if it cannot be one of my “go to” safe places, it’s important I feel safe there. I have high quality, soft sheets and decent pillows which are always fresh and clean. It’s also really important that the nightwear I have smells good. By good, I mean of laundry detergent, or fabric softener. Clean helps me feel safer, clean, good smelling things, help me to ground. I can’t stress enough how important being clean and being surrounded by clean things, means to me.
Why am I writing this right now? Well yesterday was rough, today has been a recovery of that and so I decided to get ready for bed early and hopefully sleep. As I breathed in the smell of my freshly clean nightwear, I felt grounded and even a little excited at the prospect of going to bed. That felt good. It feels good to want to go to my bed, it feels good to feel grounded at the idea of going to bed, when for many years it has been one of the last places I wanted to be. Sleep is a whole other matter, but to feel relaxed and to look forward to being in bed feels so damn good!
Tonight I feel as if I am well on the way to reclaiming my bed.