Today I had an important meeting at work, and as I’d had another bad night, my old friend, the familiar mask was reinstated to get me through the day. It’s different now than it used to bed. Wearing that mask for a long period is exhausting, I don’t know how I used to do it. I feel ill this evening with hyper vigilance, I am drained. Pretending takes it’s toll. I’m so glad I don’t need that mask as much as I used to, it’s freeing to allow myself to feel what I feel. Today, I couldn’t or wouldn’t allow myself to feel it and now I’m suffering for it. Putting off the pain seems to make it grow, it prolongs the agony certainly. I wish I could have faced it this morning. What I am facing now seems worse somehow.
I see my T tomorrow, we have things to discuss from last week, but I also have a feeling there will be an “elephant in the room”, if I do not address my nightmares and triggers. I will tell him some, of course I will, he’ll know, he’ll call me on it. I know it’s about what is “hot” right now. Yet, I just do not know that I have the strength or the courage to face the cause of these nightmares right now. I will, at some point, I am determined to, just please, not now.
I am having nightmares and they are increasing in intensity, all the signs are there that I need to face it soon, but it doesn’t fit, it’s not supposed to be this way. I’m in the middle of other things and I know facing the cause of the nightmares, is going to take a lot of energy, strength and courage, that I just don’t feel I have right now. But I’m haunted by it, the memory and the issues surrounding it. I don’t really know where to go from here.
Tonight, as usual, I held my baby’s hand as he fell asleep and in the quiet, dim lit, warm and cosy room, I prayed. Prayers of thanks, for my beautiful boys and my amazing husband, but mostly for strength and for guidance. I prayed for some peace and comfort to get me through tonight. I don’t feel better, instead I think it’s just added to the guilt that is already crushing me.
I feel a bit lost, overwhelmed and hurt right now and although I fear what tomorrow’s session may bring, I also look forward to the relief I know being with my T will bring.