I had therapy today. I found the courage to share with him and as always, he was amazing. I wish our session could have been longer, I wish I could have stayed with him, where I felt safe, where he told me it wasn’t my fault. I almost believed him. But now I’m home and I feel like I’m fighting. It’s as if all these bad thoughts (of guilt) are trying to force their way in and I can’t hold on to the feelings I had when I was with my T. It’s consuming, it’s powerful and loud. I cannot ignore it.
I wrote some, I can’t and don’t want to post most of it but I will share a small part of what I wrote to a friend. I wish I could share it with her, but for now it’s just out in cyber space.
Have you shared our secret? Because I did today.
I often wonder if you remember in the way that I do?
It hurts so much today, I can barely breathe, I feel smothered by pain and regret.
It feels so deserved somehow, yet I find myself desperate for comfort,
seeking my own way out. But why should I feel OK now, when you had suffered so?
My head is in a spin, I don’t want to remember or to feel, or think.
And I don’t want to let it go, because it feels disloyal or a disservice to you.
As if my suffering can undo what was. Oh if only. I wish it were that simple.
I’m so sorry, but I know words will never be enough.
He said nothing he could say will make it better for me or take the pain away,
but that it’s not my fault, that we were both the innocent ones.
If he’s right, (and he normally is) then why do I feel so tortured?
I cannot get you out of my head and I won’t ever forget.
So now, what do I do with this? How do I continue on?
When my heart is breaking for you and what was back then?
How do I live with this now it is out, now I can no longer run away?