Wow, what a horrible week. I keep waiting for it to get better. Last therapy session was so very hard, my T was great as always, but it was really scary. I feel beaten up, I feel bruised inside and out. I don’t want to write about the session or how I feel, I feel too much. I don’t like the way I feel, I don’t want to address it, I don’t want to feel it, nor do I want it to go, because it feels deserved some how.
Some of the added stress this week (that I won’t got into) is probably my fault, I am not doing myself any favours. Last night I was awake in the night, I felt so overwhelmed and stressed, as usual, I struggled to get my thoughts to settle. I could see flashes of light, over and over and hear voices, my mind felt crowded and chaotic. I recognise that I am extremely stressed but I can’t seem to help myself out of it.
My lovely husband has insisted I sit and relax this evening. I am trying to do as he has said while he’s busy doing everything that needs doing. I can’t concentrate on TV, reading has been out for months now (PTSD affects my ability to concentrate, reading particularly, I struggle with very short term memory loss when reading), I have a few other things I could try, but it seems too much effort. So I find myself on here, blogging, I am not even sure why. Is this helping? The poetry stuff helps for sure, but do the general moans/ updates? Perhaps. I think it helps to know people are reading. It helps to still log how I feel when I just cannot face using my journals and the thoughts that come out in those.
I feel crappy, I’m fed up, agitated and full of self blame and guilt and I’ve had enough. But what choice is there, what is the alternative? I guess when things are this bad, the only way is up, right?