As I carried my baby to his bedroom, with his head nuzzled into my shoulder, I reflected on my life now and how blessed I am. I always wanted to be a mother and to be a wife. I have those things, I couldn’t ask for a better husband and my children, while not always easy, are truly amazing. I love my job, I really do, it’s not what I saw myself doing, it doesn’t help people in the way I have always wanted, but for now, it’s pretty perfect. The hours suit and while it’s not rocket science, I really do excel at what I do. I like where I live right now, I (mostly) feel safe here. I finally feel I have found somewhere I can call home. I have it so good, I really do. For all those things and so many more, I am very grateful.
I should be happy I think? Look at all I have, all that should equal contentment. I am not happy though, I don’t remember when I last felt happy. I am not happy, I am not even OK. I will be one day, of that I am sure, but right now I am not there yet.
In terms of therapy, during the first half of the year, I disclosed a lot, we faced a lot of my demons, then we moved away from the details of my past and focused more on issues and feelings. While feeling pain is no fun, I felt somewhat stable. The PTSD symptoms continued to cycle, but I was doing better in day to day life. In recent months I have been venturing out of the house more, including taking my oldest child to school most days. My anxiety was noticeably reduced and my fears were calmer (yay!). Although things were not easy by any means, I felt more human, more like the old me at times. I even had some days where I felt good all day long. :).
Right now, it seems like those good days are a distant dream. We are back into disclosure and working through the details of my past. My anxiety is increased and with work pressures, home pressures and trauma anniversaries, I am feeling incredibly stressed out. The PTSD symptoms are worsened, I am sleeping better out of exhaustion I think, but waking shaky and disoriented. I am feeling triggered most of the day. I feel as if I am stuck half way between the past and now, unless I am constantly grounding. I know this is to be expected, I even know that it will get better again, but that doesn’t make it OK now. I keep thinking “I can’t do this anymore” (yet, I know I will). Quite frankly, it is exhausting.
I fear I am annoying people and frustrating those around me. While in the grand scheme of things, this therapy and this difficult time is short term, it actually feels as if it’s been going on for a long time. Some do not understand and some don’t seem want to (and I can understand that). I can imagine seeing my moaning Facebook updates or perhaps my inability to meet up must be frustrating to some. I go back and forth between thinking.. “well why should I hide this and the way I feel, when half the problem has been how secret this has all been for so long”, to thinking, “I need to just suck it up and deal with it quietly and put a brave face on to the rest of the world”. Why do I question myself so much? I don’t need the extra stress, worry and thoughts, my mind is working over time as it is.
I cannot switch off at all this evening, I don’t want to write, frankly, I haven’t journalled much at all lately, I am too exhausted for anything that involves moving off my sofa. I feel so wound up, too wound up to work out what I should do to relax. I guess I just feel like venting a little, because what I am facing right now is so hard, its enormity scares me, I sometimes fear it is maybe too hard.
The PTSD is horrible, remembering is horrible. Facing it is scary, feeling it is so painful. I do not want to do this again, but my damn stubborn streak keeps me moving forward. My desire to heal is greater than the fear and the pain. So face it I must.