Right in this moment I am feeling surrounded by love.
I am in the warmth and brightness of my home, on my sofa, leaning against soft cushions and throws, affectionately given to me by my loving husband. My boys have been especially cuddly this afternoon, it seems they missed me while I was out for a couple of hours. I have been hugged and kissed, fought over and then squished and cuddled and kissed some more.
I am trying to love myself, I am little by little learning to be kinder and more gentle with myself. I am beginning to change the way in which I speak to myself (yes I talk to myself and you know you do it too 😉 ), I am trying to fake it until I feel it I guess. I want to love myself, I want to forgive myself, I want to cut myself some slack and be a whole lot nicer to me. I have been to hell and back, I am facing and and in the midst of such painful times and it was not my fault. I did not deserve it, then or now. Oh there’s a voice inside saying “but ” and “hang on a minute, what about..” but that will shut up eventually, believe me!
This week I face another trauma that I went through at 16. For many reasons, I am particularly worried at how I will deal with it. I don’t feel sorrow or empathy, or anything nice about myself at 16. Though it has shifted some, I am still dealing with feelings of responsibility and self blame. There’s a whole heap of “stuff” caught up with this and so self love is not easy to find right now. Therefore, I am particularly grateful for the love surrounding me from my beautiful little family, that keeps me going right now.
I am afraid of not being able to say it, but most of all, I am afraid of containing the memories I know it has already brought to the surface. I struggled to contain on Thursday and it was horrendous. I am still triggered now, it’s horrible. What if I can’t contain? How will I handle it? My T has confidence in me, my husband has confidence in me and my minister has confidence in me. I am kinda buoyed by them right now because I cannot find much of my own confidence to see me through.
So right in this moment, I feel fear of what is to come and I’m bothered by intrusive memories, but I am also feeling a bit of an unexpected high. I am high on the love and support around me and I am so thankful for that love and that unwavering support.