Today was a better day and I am pretty sure that’s a result of my rant post last night. I felt lighter right away. After a short while I found myself with energy and I just felt better in general. I slept well and this morning was OK. 🙂 Work was fine, but I’ve struggled somewhat since I got home. I seem to be full of anger again. I guess I have a whole heap of repressed anger and any gap left from my release yesterday has been filled with more anger.
This evening we’ve had a friend over, we had a few low key fireworks and frankly, I am exhausted. Angry, drained, stressed and just feeling crappy. I think perhaps I take on too much. Work is nuts and despite going through an intense time in therapy, I’ve increased my work hours. I’ve less time at home which isn’t good for me, work is a good distraction, but home is grounding, home is comfort and home is safe. I come home exhausted, then have two small children to deal with. Perhaps, inviting a friend over and cooking a big meal for us wasn’t the best idea. I feel spent. I want to socialise, I want to see friends, I want to do nice things with the children (such as the fireworks), I want to live. But perhaps I should accept that I can’t do as much as I want. Perhaps I need to do more self care, be gentler with myself, allow myself much needed rest and down time.
Tonight I have that horrible stressed out feeling, I’m dissociating which is normal with stress. I don’t want to feel like this and I can’t but help feel that it’s a bit self inflicted. I’m annoyed because I was feeling OK this morning, I hoped that would continue all day and it hasn’t. I don’t like feeling anger. I don’t want to be an angry person, I don’t want anger issues. I want to be a loving person, I want to be full of love, not full of anger.
I may feel crappy, but I am pleased that today was better than it has been. And though I don’t like it, I know the anger is necessary right now, it’s normal, valid and to be expected. In future, I will try to make more of an effort to treat myself better and to allow myself rest time.