Wow, what an amazingly painful but healing afternoon I had today. I talked on Facebook with some old school friends, just reminiscing really. We were all very close for a lot of years, so it was really nice to talk about old times.
Given that I was abused during my teen years, I find it hard to look at photos and hard to talk about those times at all, but today as well as painful, I found it helpful. It felt good to remember the fun we had, it was good to be reminded of the nice memories that have seemed so lost among the memories of abuse.
Sometimes it feels as if my teen years (and even before that) are just sort of gone, lost, like a dream that I can scarcely remember. I don’t normally like reminders of any of it, because I don’t know what will trigger, so I avoid, avoid avoid. While I quickly hid the photos posted today, the conversation brought me to tears of joy, of relief and of pain. I feel like I’ve reconnected a little with the good times that I still managed to have during those very dark years.
One of the friends I talked to today is the one I’ve referred to in recent posts. I can’t and won’t go into why and what I found helpful in our chat today, but it’s been beneficial, I feel somewhat lighter for it.
It’s strange to feel lighter while also feeling so heavy with stress. I am so incredibly stressed out, I could barely hide it at work today, which isn’t something I normally struggle with. I have been unable to deal with my children at all this evening. The stress is causing dissociation and hyper vigilance and I’m finding myself quite ill with the PTSD. I am hearing noises, I have such brain fog that I am seeing things. I can’t sit still at all (which is part of the hyper vigilance) and my husband is having to help me regulate my breathing at regular periods. It’s horrible. I am hoping this is it reaching its peak. I will be taking action to de stress this evening once my children are in bed. I will also be talking to my employer tomorrow to see if we can reduce work stress too.
This afternoon was positive for sure and I’m holding on tightly to that this evening. I am very much looking forward to feeling up to processing today properly.