Home » My Journey » Not Ok.

Not Ok.

 

I am trying so hard, every damn day and I can’t do it, not anymore. It’s too much, too difficult, I wish there were another way. I’m giving it my everything I swear. It doesn’t feel enough, but I don’t have more to give. I am so tired, so tired of fighting this all the time. Oh this isn’t a suicidal post, I don’t want to die. I want to live. I want to heal and I want to live.

I’m doing everything right, everything, I’m helping myself, but it’s not working. I don’t know what else to do? I’m in pain, I feel trauma, I’m carrying guilt all over one thing, one day. I know I need to talk about it in T tomorrow, but I know even if I start it won’t make it go, not yet. Short term it will get worse, it always does. I know this, I have done this several times over now. But worse? I can’t handle worse than this. But I know it isn’t going to get better until I take that step and face this. I’m afraid, afraid of telling, or not being able to tell. I am afraid of the pain, afraid of not being able to contain all the other memories associated with it. Perhaps I’m wrong and relief will come by just starting? Oh I need some relief from this.

I can’t contain the tears but I can’t find relief in them at all, so they are just making me angry and making my head hurt.

I feel guilty for writing this post and for moaning again, why am I bothering, what am I even looking for?  I was so determined to feel better this week. I’ve started each day positive and determined that the day would be better than the one before. I’ve tried, I swear I’ve tried with every part of me. I’ve thrown myself at it, I’ve fought. I’ve got back up every time I’ve been knocked down. I’m sorry for failing. I’m sorry for not handling this, for letting down all those with faith in me, those who tell me I’m strong. I’m not strong, not enough at least.

I don’t know what to do.. what do I do? What can I do other than wait it out?

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “Not Ok.

  1. You have every right to moan ! Moan away, moan all you want, shout, scream and let it out! Do not apologise for “failing”, you are not failing, you are so strong. You are handling it and you are not letting down all those with faith in you! Take each day, each moment, don’t think about tomorrow . As the saying goes – ” tomorrow will take care of itself”. Hug your children, watch them play, smell their loveliness, and feel the arms of love around you, of all those that love you xx

  2. (Hugs) it’s ok… everyone is allowed to “not handle” things at times. Is there anyone you can reach out to? Can you maybe talk to your t about the feel of this all and take the telling as it comes?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s