To the Owner of my Nightmare (another letter to him)

 

To the Owner of my Nightmare,

I’ve tortured myself with this for fourteen years. FOURTEEN years. I’ve dragged this around with me, I’ve blamed myself, I’ve hated myself, when I should have been blaming you and when I should have been hating you. You and him. Not me.

This has been a true nightmare, countless times I have woken shaking, and screaming, not because of what you did to me that day. Oh no, I couldn’t even allow myself to hurt over that. No, the guilt has been my worst nightmare.

You blamed me, they blamed me and I believed you and I believed them, so easily. So damn easily. And that’s your fault too, for grooming me to think I was nothing and for making me so accepting of that blame.  Your lies were toxic, they have been running through my veins, taking over my heart and soul and turning me against myself. I want that to end. And now I believe that this is the beginning of that end, finally.

I don’t know how you live with this, because I couldn’t. I haven’t been living really, not properly. I assumed everything that happened since that day was deserved. You must be drowning in secrets and shame, because I have been. I haven’t allowed myself any friendships as close as me and her, for fear of hurting them. So many opportunities wasted, so many beautiful people that I have held at arms length, all because of you. But you see that is changing now and I’m opening up, not just releasing my secrets, but letting people in and letting them love me. And I deserve that love. You, do not.

It’s been my worst and my most horrific nightmare; now it’s time you have it back. It’s not mine and it never was.

Not Yours

Learning to Love Myself.