Yup, completely and utterly crap. I have energy for work it seems, but as I set foot out of the office door, I feel myself sort of sag. My energy levels dip and I feel like I’m dragging myself to the car. I feel bad that work gets all my energy and my husband and children get a grumpy, stressed and exhausted me. Poor them.
This has happened before, it fits with what I’m going through in therapy right now. I don’t feel hopeless, quite the opposite in fact, but I do feel really unwell right now.
The symptoms are very bad this evening, I keep thinking “OK, enough” and “time to take control” and I get up and try and get on with something normal like laundry. Who am I kidding? I can’t control my symptoms, I can help myself out, I can minimise the effect, but I cannot just stop them by sheer will power. For some reason though, it doesn’t stop me trying!
It helped to write to “him” again today, that is something that I have really needed to do for a few days now, but I hadn’t felt up to doing it until now. It was a big relief earlier, it felt good to recognise the shift in thinking that has occurred (actually not just occurred, I worked damn hard at).
I’m doing really well -something pointed out to me last night – and I recognise that, it is undeniable. I’ve come so far, I’ve made so much progress and I am proud of myself. It doesn’t make this stress go away though. I fear this week, it’s only Monday and I already feel similar to last Thursday, which was a very low and scary point for me.
I am trying to do what I can to improve things for the week ahead (until therapy Friday at least, when I hope I can release some of it), I’ve reduced my hours at work. I had been working extra hours recently; as of tomorrow, I am back to my normal hours. I have been trying to take note of my dips in mood today in the hopes that I can work out a way to help myself. I feel exhausted after work, which is when the symptoms really kick in. I know some of that is to do with the exhaustion from wearing the “I am fine” mask for work, but perhaps it is more than that. Early evenings are the worst. I will be talking to my husband tonight to see if there’s something we can do to increase my energy to lift my mood and hopefully relieve some of the symptoms. Food and thirty minutes to myself when I get home (where my husband’s job allows) are ideas off the top of my head.
I need to do something, I can’t just ride this out, I am making myself ill. I already feel like an upset child (you know when a child who has screamed for so long, can’t breathe right, so they sort of shudder with each breath?- yup that’s me) and my stomach is in knots. I also worry about my husband and the pressure on him and I feel incredibly guilty (and really upset) that I am missing out on time with my children because when I’m home, I’m exhausted and grumpy. I know it’s short term, I know it will pass, but I also know it will happen again each and every time I’m in the midst of disclosing. I have to find the best possible way to handle it, the easiest way through, not just for myself, but for those around me.
Wish me luck.