Have you ever seen the TV series “Once Upon a Time”? You should, it’s good 🙂
Throughout the series the “Evil Queen”, or the “Evil One”, rip out the hearts of others. The hearts are red and glowing. It’s not as gruesome as it sounds, it’s very fairy tale like, which I guess is what they are going for. The Evil Queen, Regina has her own heart ripped out on one episode and observes how blackened it is from all the evil she has bestowed on others.During another episode, Snow White has her heart pulled from her and is shocked to see that it too has started to blacken from an evil deed she did.
This part of the show has really resonated with me, particularly right now with what I’ve been dealing with in therapy. I have been carrying a massive amount of guilt and self hatred since I was 16 years old. I have blamed myself for what my friend went through, I’ve been deeply ashamed and battled with myself since that day. I felt as if it were a huge dark secret that I had to keep to myself, the longer I kept it inside, the bigger it became. I hid myself away, I didn’t allow myself to ever get close to another friend like that again. I feared I was the cause of pain and destruction, I suppose I felt cursed. I fully believed that a part of me was dark, that in some sense my heart was “blackened” too and the longer I kept the secret, the more the darkness spread.
When I first began to confront those feelings, it felt as if that “blackness” had taken hold. As I told what went on that day, I hated myself, I felt like I had given myself over to evil. Dramatic, perhaps, but I was deeply upset and incredibly angry with myself and what I believed I had put my friend through.
In a small amount of time, that has changed and continues to change. I do not believe I am evil, I do not hate myself and though I still carry deep regret and guilt, I know on some level at least, that it was not my fault.
My heart is not dark and it never was. What I was consumed with, though poisonous, was never mine to begin with. I look forward to feeling well enough to knowing the relief of no longer feeling cursed, no longer feeling evil and no longer hating myself. I look forward to beginning to love myself and I look forward to truly feeling worthy of love from others too.