I shared depraved and vile details of my past today and I am reeling right now. I feel nauseated, sickened by the truth and disgusted by the reality. Because there is no denial and there is no escaping. It was truth and it was real and right now it’s so very close. It is so vivid, I see the colours of that room and I hear those voices like echos of what was- and oh, how I feel it. I ache all over, I feel used again. My skin is crawling, I want to scrub it all away, I wish somehow I could peel these feelings off me.
The truth is coming out, the secret isn’t so big, but I’m not lighter and I don’t feel better. I am tortured by what was, horrified and right now, deeply disturbed. I feel like I once did and I was so unsafe then, powerless and afraid. This is bigger than I could have imagined. I don’t feel strong enough, I wasn’t then- I couldn’t end it could I? And right now I cannot remove myself from it. I’ve tried to be strong all along, I’ve been determined and stubborn even, but perhaps this is just too big for me.
For those of you going through it, or have gone through it, you will probably understand the pain of disclosure. I am sorry you understand, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, truly. It makes me want to lose myself in a bottle of vodka, to drink myself into oblivion until these feelings are gone. I don’t want to feel this and I do not want to remember. Fuck taking control of my memory, fuck processing. I want it gone, I want it erased, I want it undone. It’s too much, too big and too real.