Home » My Journey » The truth is too big.

The truth is too big.

Trigger warning.

I shared depraved and vile details of my past today and I am reeling right now. I feel nauseated, sickened by the truth and disgusted by the reality. Because there is no denial and there is no escaping. It was truth and it was real and right now it’s so very close. It is so vivid, I see the colours of that room and I hear those voices like echos of what was- and oh, how I feel it. I ache all over, I feel used again. My skin is crawling, I want to scrub it all away, I wish somehow I could peel these feelings off me.

The truth is coming out, the secret isn’t so big, but I’m not lighter and I don’t feel better. I am tortured by what was, horrified and right now, deeply disturbed. I feel like I once did and I was so unsafe then, powerless and afraid. This is bigger than I could have imagined. I don’t feel strong enough, I wasn’t then- I couldn’t end it could I? And right now I cannot remove myself from it. I’ve tried to be strong all along, I’ve been determined and stubborn even, but perhaps this is just too big for me.

For those of you going through it, or have gone through it, you will probably understand the pain of disclosure. I am sorry you understand, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, truly. It makes me want to lose myself in a bottle of vodka, to drink myself into oblivion until these feelings are gone. I don’t want to feel this and I do not want to remember. Fuck taking control of my memory, fuck processing. I want it gone, I want it erased, I want it undone. It’s too much, too big and too real. 

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7 thoughts on “The truth is too big.

  1. You are not who you were. You are not trapped or helpless. You need to feel this again so you can use the new you to deal with the emotions once and for all. It sucks, I know, but there’s no other way through. Hugs.

      • I’ve been there too many times to count. When you’re feeling triggered, remind yourself that it’s only the memories that you feel, not the actual event, and breathe them out of your system. Cry if it helps. Yell. Get that shit out so you can heal and feel like yourself again. I promise this won’t last forever 🙂

  2. Sweetie, that was me last night. I was so upset and traumatised- but this is part, albeit a shitty part, of healing. A wise friend told me last night that this is a sign that your mind is trying to throw out all the junk. I know that probably makes it no easier, but I want you to know I empathise and am truly sorry. xx

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