Home » My Journey » I hate you (letter to my abuser)

I hate you (letter to my abuser)

 

I’m  busy hating you right now, hating you for ruining my day. When I struggle, it feels like you are taking control and that disturbs me. This is my life, mine and you don’t get to choose for me, not anymore. I feel like I’m constantly pushing you away, I feel like I’m fighting to take control and I hate that, I hate you. I wish you would back the hell off…. You aren’t even here, but what you left is so powerful, wasn’t it bad enough that you abused me back then? Why won’t you let me let you go? I blame you, I don’t care if you aren’t here, I blame you. I blame you. I’m shaking with hate right now and it’ is all for you, every bit of it.

I don’t like feeling defeated, I refuse to stay down, no matter how hard it is, no matter how much it hurts, I will not give up. Did you cause that too? Did you make me stubborn, did your actions make me so determined to fight? I rarely fought you, but I never gave up even in those dark moments when I was so tempted to carve a little deeper. I found my strength and I chose life.

How could you do this to me? I will never understand.

Every time you raped me it felt like a part of me died, as if you were slowly killing me day by day, taking away something I thought I’d never get back. But you know what? You didn’t succeed, you didn’t kill me. I am healing, I am coming back to life. Each and every time I tell, I’m taking back what you stole.

I hope you are quivering, I hope you shake with fear like I did, I hope you are afraid, because you should be. I’m stamping you out, I’m expelling you, like poison, with my words and I will keep going until every trace of your venom has left me.

I hate you. I hate you.

 

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9 thoughts on “I hate you (letter to my abuser)

  1. What a brave, brave letter to write. I empathise greatly with it. My abuser is no longer here either yet the stamp that he has embedded in my life has left a giant imprint in my soul. I am so glad that you are healing; I am too. Thinking of you through your reflection. Ros x

  2. Heya i’m for the first time here. I found this board and I to find It really useful & it helped me out much.
    I’m hoping to provide one thing back and help others such as you
    aided me.

  3. Ok I “Liked” this post, but I can’t say I like it (I hope that makes sense). I empathize and my heart aches for you to even be in a position to feel any of this. To have a reason to write this in the first place…. For all that I’ve experienced it still strips me raw to know there is anyone else out there that has had similar experiences. I will be praying for your healing and strength. Thank you for being courageous enough to speak out. Thank you for speaking the words I haven’t found yet via this letter.

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