I feel so weird this morning, I know there’s some good feelings, hidden underneath all the bad. Last night I met with my Minister. The chat helped a lot, it feels so good to have support and sometimes, I almost believe all the good things he says about me!. Then this morning, I posted something positive as my Facebook status and a (relatively new) friend, who I have just recently admitted I deal with PTSD, sent me a lovely message (plus she told me I better be doing my “I am awesome dance”). That made me feel good.
And though I had very little sleep, last night was sort of amazing. I slept with my baby some, he was so cuddly and sweet, once he was back in his bed, I fell asleep holding hands with my husband, which given my sleep/ bed issues, hasn’t happened before. I’ve slowly been reclaiming my bed and last night feels like another step towards that. Yay!
So, a good, if not restless night, but this morning I woke in pain. Though, it’s been on and off all weekend, I had hoped I’d seen the last of it. I’ve taken painkillers, but so far they aren’t touching it. Thing is, this pain is highly triggering. In terms of pain levels, it’s actually fairly low, more like a dull ache, but it’s distressing to feel it. I so wish I could stay at home, my husband has taken the older child to school, the youngest is playing so nicely next to me.. what I’d give to just stay home with him. I don’t want to go to work and pretend I’m OK and deal with paperwork and clients queries. How can I do that, when I feel as if I’ve just been raped? 😦
The pain feeds the shame, the shame that has been nagging at me the last couple of days. Right now, it’s not just about it telling me I’m dirty and used, I actually feel it. I want to shower again and I want to clean my (already clean) house. I want this feeling to go, I want this pain to go, so I can take the time to enjoy the good feelings I know are hidden underneath all this today.