Trigger warning – please be careful.
I know I shouldn’t be ashamed, I know I need to give this back to you- that’s where it belongs, not with me, but with you.
I feel it dragging me down, it will not let me go. Oh how I want you to take this back, I don’t want to carry this.
It’s telling me to be silent and it’s telling me to hide. It wants me to keep our secrets, it wants them kept inside.
I am ashamed of what you did and I am ashamed of what you took and I can barely look in the eyes of those who know that truth.
I fear they see right through me, I fear they know who I really am, I fear they see me as you did- just a dirty little girl.
I know it may sound ridiculous, but I find I hide myself from God; you made me feel so unworthy, as if I would forever be unloved.
I am ashamed I was your victim, I am ashamed I have been raped. The only ones who will really know are you and me and God.
Does that scare you too? Because believe me, it should. Can you stand before God knowing what you have done? I know right now, I could not, not with what we did.
I deny myself that comfort, I do not listen to a word, I am afraid of what He would say, I am afraid of the truth.
And I blame you for that, for so many things. I blame you for all those rapes – making me lose sight of me.
I am ashamed of who I was, I am ashamed it’s still inside, I am ashamed of the truth and I am ashamed of the lie. I am ashamed that people know and I am ashamed of that life.
The life that’s still inside me, the life that was once real, the shame of losing my virginity at only 14.
The shame of the assaults on my body, the scars that will never heal, the shame of being trained and the sexual deviancy.
The shame that you had me, in every single way. The shame that my body remembers and hurts from what you did.
The shame as I feel your touch and I react to what was and the shame that my body does exactly what it should.
I am ashamed of who I was, I am ashamed it’s still inside, I am ashamed of the truth and I am ashamed of the lie. I am ashamed.