I want to write, but I am finding it hard to distance myself enough to face the whole shame thing I’m dealing with in therapy.
I am feeling freaked out. I have worries and fears, that while valid, are stirring up past fears. I am fearing for my safety in an irrational way, I am paranoid about my children being away from me, which made it difficult to leave them today. My husband is currently out (though not for long at least) and I am really (and embarrassingly) afraid without him here, plus I feel a huge amount of pressure to hide it because my children are with me, they do not need a fearful mother. The weight of the responsibility I have to them, feels quite enormous right now.
This is not a bit of anxiety, not an old fear I need to ground from, it is a present and very real fear. Whether this fear is rational or not doesn’t seem to matter, I am still afraid. It’s as if I am back where I used to be -fearing for my safety at every turn. Yet, I am not unsafe, I am in my home, miles away from “him”, in a new town, where I feel (relatively) safe most of the time. I wish the rest of me would hurry up and realise that.