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Ungrateful?

 

Another bad night, I don’t really remember much of the content of the dreams, but they were very violent and seem to be much the same each time.

I woke very shaky and hyper vigilant. My amazing husband has stayed close all morning, which has helped some. He’s been especially fantastic lately, I’m so glad to have him in my life.

I am frustrated by these dreams, in my experience (over the last year or so at least), I start to get specific nightmares, then flashbacks, that normally increase in intensity, until I am aware of what “incident”  is behind them. Then, I know I need to deal with it in therapy. I don’t want that at all right now, it’s not the right time, I’m not ready for more memories or more trauma work. I have things I need to talk about with my T after Christmas, between now and then I only have one more session. I do not have the time, nor do I want to get to the bottom of these dreams yet.

 

I am annoyed enough that I haven’t dealt with the issue of shame this side of Christmas, but had accepted and in some ways felt relieved, that I will not be dealing with it until the New year; now whatever this is seems to be screaming at me to get out. I don’t want it out right now. I will not ignore it, it will get a voice, just please, not yet.

 

In general things are improved, my irrational fears are gone, my other fears are calmer, my anxiety is much lower. I’m enjoying my children, my home, my life now. No trauma work = more grounded and  I want to hold on to that, I want to embrace that whenever I can. So, this hyper vigilance frustrates me, the dreams frustrate and frankly, scare me.

Am I being ungrateful? Perhaps I should be pleased with the improvements and accept what I can get instead of being frustrated and upset.

I just really need a break and that’s not possible with this and equally my own determination and need to always be on the go, drives me forward into each new challenge and I can’t just switch that off. I so badly want a break, some down time to enjoy that the irrational fears have gone, enjoy feeling grounded more, enjoy lack of symptoms- yet the hyper vigilance is bad, the nightmares bad and it seems to be full steam ahead in my mind, that I just can’t switch off.

 

I am looking forward to a quiet Christmas, time off work, making memories with my beautiful family, I do not want any of this past shit interfering. I am prepared for symptoms and the need to ground- but I am not ready for new memories or even old ones. I want it to be about here and now, not then, just for a short time. Am I expecting too much? Am I ungrateful? I just don’t know.

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