I am angry at everything right now, even the slow internet connection and the need to reboot my netbook before logging on this morning, has pissed me off. I want a break, I want a fucking break. I felt so good on Monday, even after a nightmare-but the nightmares have continued and the body memories began last night. I am hyper vigilant and experiencing dissociation on and off. I’m snappy and grumpy with my husband yet, he just continues to hug me and tell me he loves me- which makes me feel so guilty..
Perhaps this is my fault? Maybe for actually thinking I could get some down time over Christmas, or perhaps I am being greedy? I have felt good at times this week, I’ve been more grounded than normal up until today. I have enjoyed time with my children, I have felt excitement for Christmas and the future. I’ve discussed moving house with my husband with little anxiety. I had dared to hope that I was really going to get a bit of a break. I didn’t expect miracles, but I really hoped things were going to be better for longer. I thought my downtime was beginning.
Am I expecting too much? Am I over eager? Perhaps I need to be more grateful for those wonderful good moments and for the grounded periods this week. Maybe wanting more is wrong?
It was an anniversary last week, which I completely ignored, I was dealing with so much other stuff that kinda took over. Perhaps this is a slightly delayed reaction to that. I almost hope it is that, because then it will pass on it’s own with time. I fear it’s not that, I fear it’s a memory that wants attention, which I am just not ready for and not just because I don’t feel ready but because I can’t. I won’t have the support of my T as of Friday for 3 weeks. I cannot face it alone. Do I need to put into practice containing? How do I contain when I don’t know what it is I’m containing?
I’m so angry; with me, with him, with the world and with God.